Tuesday, 5 January 2016

MaRey Sue 2: The De-Reying

Let's all just take a minute to marvel at the level of stupidity it takes to argue Rey wasn't included in the new The Force Awakens Monopoly set for fear of giving away spoilers.

As Chris B pointed out on Twitter, how can it possibly a spoiler that Rey joins the Rebel Alliance, but not that Finn - a fucking Stormtrooper, let's remember - does? Apparently audiences will be more surprised by a hero who's a woman than one who's a soldier of an evil tyrannical government.

If Hasbro watched "The Curse of Peladon", they'd be more surprised that Jo Grant could walk in a straight line than that Izlyr wasn't evil.

 Even beyond the hypocrisy of Rey's treatment compared to Finn, however, this makes less sense than blancmange banknotes. It's a spoiler when the main character of a Disney film isn't a villain? Did the company have to keep Ariel toys off the shelves until the last possible moment for fear people would work out she wasn't a sub-aquatic vampire ripping out the souls of drowning sailors? Were their fears word would get out that Aladdin didn't keep Abu fed by murdering younger orphans and feeding their eyeballs to his monkey?

Sure, it's possible for a main character to secretly be evil, even in a Disney film (I was told today - ironically spoiling me - that this has happened at least once in the not too-distant past). But the fact a trope can be inverted doesn't mean you are spoiled for finding out it hasn't. It's not a spoiler to note that Hercules and Meg end up together, or that Simba eventually decides he cannot shirk his father's legacy. These are simply hardwired into the narrative. And even though it's a spoiler to say Tasha Yar dies in the 22nd episode of Next Gen, that doesn't make it a spoiler to say that Data doesn't die in the 23rd.

Still, Hasbro's lunatic definition of a spoiler can afford us some fun. I shall now without apology ruin some of the most notorious surprise endings of cinematic history for you, doing exactly what Hasbro dare not.

  • In The Unusual Suspects, Kaiser Soze is NOT an unstoppable alien killer with the ability to control ferrets.
  • In The Crying Game, NO-ONE turns out to be seven voles manipulating a crude rubber approximation of a human being.
  • In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke does NOT learn that his mother was a Swiss roll baked by Paul Hollywood during a somnambulism episode.
  • In The Halfblood Prince, not ONE main character has a life-changing experience brought about by a malevolent artichoke 
 I just can't be stopped. I'm like a demon. UNLIKE the talking dog in Up.

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