Five Things I Learned In Alaska

Five things! In just 96 hours! US speed run!

1. Alaskan schoolkids are extremely smart. Or at least, they are in Anchorage, or at least, they are in one school in Anchorage. Or at least, they are in one school in Anchorage, and in the past. The '71 graduating class of West Anchorage High School's - home of the fightin' Eagles - pooled their dollars for a huge mural on the side of the school. The principal at the time said "Fine, you can have an eagle, but NO REFERENCE to the year you're graduating!". They said "OK, sure!". Then the little dickheads commissioned this.

I love it. Legend has it that at their 10 year school reunion, they all got given detention.

2. The forests of Alaska are fucked. And it's not just the wildfires that are already consuming human civilisation. Someone let some European bark beetles loose, and they've been munching their way through the pine forests like they're Pac-Man, and ghosts have just been ruled unconstitutional. In a lot of places there are more dead trees than living ones. As a metaphor for how European immigrants showed up and ruined everything with their rampant consumption, it's... well, it's supremely depressing and fucked-up. Which at least tracks.

3. Grizzly bear cubs are absurdly cute, and surprisingly good climbers.  They also like to use road signs to scratch their backs. We'd all do it, if it were socially acceptable.

Sorry about the window-frame getting in on the action.

4.  There are five types of salmon in Alaska. We got taught a trick for remembering them, using the fingers on your hand. "Thumb" rhymes with "chum". Your pinkie is for pink salmon. You wear silver on your ring finger, so that's silver salmon sorted. Your middle finger is the largest one on your hand, reminding you of a "king", who traditionally were taller than most people due to having access to actual nutrition. All makes sense, right?

One more digit, one more fish: the sockeye. I know what you're thinking: 'Oh, OK. Index starts with "I", as in "sockeye", it must be that!'. That is because you are a REGULAR HUMAN PERSON. No such logic for the mushroom-added chancers who've inveigled their way onto the Alaskan Piscine Pneumonic Panel, though. No, for them, the link is "You wouldn't want to accidentally have your index finger sock someone in the eye". Rubbish. You sicken me. Zero starfish.

5. Moose are BIG. They're also more dangerous than bears. That makes sense, though. They're on a hair trigger, because they have to worry about bears. Bears only have to worry about picnic baskets, and where their next back-scratch is coming from. 

SO ENDS ALASKA.