Saturday 40K: Axolotls

Yes, it's a terrible joke; I don't care. This is also a day late for its traditional slot, but I didn't have time to write anything sensible today. Thus I shamefully fall back once more on pictures of tiny figures daubed with paint.

This week: my first Salamanders squad.

There's something about Space Marine armies that I just can't shake. Of the three completed armies I own, two are loyalist chapters. Of my two half-finished forces (well, one is 60% finished, the other around 15%), one is a rebel chapter, and Red Corsairs to boot, a chapter I specifically chose to minimise the amount of chaos influence involved (there was also the desire to paint cultists which the original background encouraged, back in the days when such things existed). And now, to keep me busy in-between painting Tau and Corsairs (along with space cruisers and the occasional Riverland knight), I've started up another three Space Marine forces. The Space Squids have already been featured on the blog (and have yet to grow from the two marines I had painted at the time), and the Ultramarines will be along fairly soon, but for now the Salamanders are the only force that can legally field a squad, let alone an entire force.

The veteran sergeant, armed with a power fist. Also a goddamn knife, because the accompanying plastic sprue (which has been unchanged for around 15 years now, IIRC) forces one to choose between the bolt pistol OR the right shoulder pad. Still, he clearly loves his knife, given how fixated he is on it. I should probably worry.

I've tried to make these miniatures a step-up in my painting techniques. There's more coherent highlighting this time around, but I'm most proud of the gradiated flame icons on each marine's right shoulder, shown below.

Friday Comedy: Yes Prime Minister

And yes, I do think I ought to run the country, but I promise to be one of those ineffectual tyrants who spends all their time at sumptuous banquets bothering the serving wenches. Nobody would even know I was there.

Secretly Shit

So, as I said, I was planning on putting out a post on Secret Invasion, which I read this week as part of my attempt to get caught up on the Marvel Universe beyond the X-Men. Fortunately, however, I've been saved from analysing it in-depth. The recent surge of my psychic powers brought on by the approach of K'Challa (may his tentacles caress you) has allowed me to penetrate the veils of time and space and bring to you the conversation that birthed the mini-series in the first place.

Location: Marvel Head Office. Present: Joe Quesada and Brian Michael Bendis.

Quesada: Right, Bendis. It's that time again. Crank me out another Civil War.
Bendis: OK. Erm... anything specific in mind?
Quesada: Something people will like.
Bendis: That goes without saying, doesn't it?
Quesada: Tell that to Frank Miller.
Bendis: I don't think All-Star Batman And Robin was meant to be bad.
Quesada: Wasn't that the one with a guy doing a beetle?
Bendis: I think it was the one where Robin had to eat rats.
Quesada: Well, in any case, we can't take the chance that you might terrible even if it is accidental. We need to seal the deal on this shit.
Bendis: How?
Quesada: You seen that Battlestar Galactica show?
Bendis: Yeeeeeees.
Quesada: Do that.
Bendis: I'm sorry, what?
Quesada: Do that.
Bendis: In what sense, "do that"?
Quesada: In the sense of having a hot chick who's secretly evil. And a bunch of dudes who are also secretly evil.
Bendis: Uh-huh. People might be pissed if we turn everything into a betray-off again. That's, like, three times in a row, at least.
Quesada: Then make em' Skrulls. They're evil, they can look like you. It's the exact same thing as BSG.
Bendis: Not exactly the same, surely? There was a lot more to the show. Religion, and-
Quesada: Fine. Skrulls find God. Like the Cylons. Exactly like the Cylons, actually, what would be the point in rocking the boat?
Bendis: Avoiding a lawsuit?
Quesada: We're the House of Ideas, Bendis! We give a home to all ideas, irrespective of whether or not they're original! You can't possibly not have noticed that.
Bendis: Right. So the Skrulls attack, and-
Quesada: And the heroes beat them. Not straight away, obviously. There needs to be a struggle.
Bendis: Oh, I'm getting this now. A paranoia-soaked game of wits, built on the back of Civil War. A deconstruction of what it means to fight beside former friends that betrayed you, and a reminder that sometimes we must face the greater enemy despite our differences. The importance of trust, and of faith!
Quesada: That might be a bit heavy for a major crossover, to be honest. Can you just make it a goddamn huge fight?
Bendis: Might be tough. Assuming I use one issue for set-up, and another for conclusion-
Quesada: A conclusion that can't resolve anything!
Bendis: Naturally, and-
Quesada: And that sets up the next crossover!
Bendis: But of course. Anyway, that leaves five full issues for nothing but a fight.
Quesada: Six issues.
Bendis: It's going to be eight issues long?
Quesada: The accounting department mentioned the other day that eight comics will mean more money per reader than seven. It's basic maths.
Bendis: Sure, but a six-issue fight scene? That's really pushing it.
Quesada: I have faith in you. How about the heroes look like they're about to lose, but then at the last minute the cavalry arrives and saves them?
Bendis: I could get a cliffhanger out of that, maybe half an issue or so.
Quesada: Fine. Just do it three or four times in a row.
Bendis: I thought we were avoiding repetition.
Quesada: I don't believe I have ever said any such thing, or taken any action one could associate with that suggestion.
Bendis: But-
Quesada: Unless you want me to avoid repetition by hiring a new writer who doesn't spend all his time whining.
Bendis: ...I'll be good.
Quesada: You'd better. Remember, Bendis; I'm the guy who decides whether you get the sweet gigs, or a new series of What If's based entirely around what would happen if supervillains parents had loved them more.
Bendis: Ulp.
Quesada: Now, what do we have so far? An issue of set-up, six issues of fights constantly interrupted by new cavalry charges, and a conclusion that really just sets up the next crossover. What are we missing?
Bendis: A B plot?
Quesada: Good! Yes! Let's do that thing you said. A Civil War reference, a bit of paranoia.
Bendis: Any suggestions?
Quesada: Just throw the pro- and anti-registration forces together along with a bunch of Skrull replicas.
Bendis: And...
Quesada: And they fight!
Bendis: Fight for-
Quesada: Fight for six issues, yes. Oh, and kill someone off. I don't care who.
Bendis: Right. Fine. I'm off to get really drunk, and in the morning it'll be written.
Quesada: Cool. See you next year.

And that's how it happened. In truth, a lot of people seem to really rate Secret Invasion as a whole, and the only book I've read beyond the actual mini-series during the crossover (New Avengers) was genuinely really, really good. The core book, though? Not so much. Shame.

Two If By Sea

I promise I'll write something proper soon; I have a post on Secret Invasion half-formed in my head (which at least will be more timely than my comments on Civil War), but in the meantime: let's all take a minute to stare in amazement at a giant squid steam-punk submarine cake.

It's one of those cakes that's almost too awesome to eat. And I don't say that often. I looooves me some cake.

h/t to Jen over at the Cake Wrecks blog, probably the only place in the world you can fina an edible Frankenstein's monster with a penis instead of a nose.

We Approach The End Times

One of the disadvantages of attempting to achieve world domination through stealth is that these days the internet is always poking around, sticking its nose in your shit. Now that Pharyngula has revealed the truth, there seems no point in continuing the hide the truth from you fleshy vertebrates. The Cosmic Calamari Overlord K'Challa is, at last, approaching.

Do not attempt to resist my oncoming master. The punishment for defiance will be... severe.

Bug Bugging

Now this is what I'm talking about. At long last we can take the war to the insects! Infiltrate their bases! Learn their plans! Seduce their women, only to dash their unsuspecting hearts against the steel frames of our robotic interlopers!

Actually, do insects even have hearts? That's something else for RoboBeetle to find out. After the crushing, obviously. I don't really care about the exact biological terminology, but something better get ripped out and stamped on.

I mean, why else spend all that money on a remote-controlled cyborg beetle that can't be fitted with weapons that can harm anyone, or even a locator so as to know exactly where it's failing to do any damage to your human enemies? Surely you'd just stick it inside a nest of its former cousins and force it to start fucking things up, right?

Just make sure the Fourth Directive is never harm humanity. Also, don't get disappointed with RoboBeetle and attach two miniguns to a particularly angry wasp. That never ends well.

Outsourcing

Something a little different from MotCC tonight: German stand-up.

Henning Wehn has, to put it mildly, a strange delivery style and sense of humour. In fact, I find it kinda difficult to decide whether I like him at all. It's pretty interesting structurally, though.