A Plan Forms

Overheard in our living room during an impromptu showing of Silence of the Lambs. All is calm until the moth-drenched finale.

SS: Argh! A soul-searing encounter with my greatest fear!

Big G: I'd forgotten your idiotic fear of small harmless creatures.

SS: There are so many. So many.

Big G: Is it a volume thing, then? Would a single solitary moth freak you out?

SS: Only if it flew at my head. Or was a giant moth. Like Rodan.

Big G: You mean Mothra.

SS: Yeah. That was a fairly obvious mistake, now I think about it.

Big G: So you don't like insects near your face?

SS: I don't like anything near my face. Or neck. Insects, seatbelts, women trying to kiss me.

Big G: That explains a few things.

SS: That's why I never wash my face, either.

Big G: That explains other, somewhat unpleasant things.

SS: Beetles are the worst. Hideous arthropodic gits.

Big G: What if a moth came at you carrying a beetle?

SS: Beetles can fly too, as a general rule.

Big G: I suppose. Have you considered aversion therapy?

SS: Do I get to kiss a lot of women?

Big G: My plan was more to keep kicking a football at your face.

SS: This is exactly why I don't like you watching this film in the house. Can't we watch Red Dragon?

Big G: Is it any good? Because Hannibal was so bad I almost ate someone.

SS: Sort of. It's entirely thanks to Red Dragon that I know you can arrange for a blind woman to stroke a tiger and in return she is immediately required to perform fellatio upon you.

Big G: Is this legally binding?

SS: It is. Of course, setting up some kind of big-cat-feeling session isn't particularly easy, so our secret knowledge doesn't really get us very far.

There is silence.

Big G: We could use a cat.

SS: Too small.

Big G: We could keep moving it around, I guess.

SS: Tricky.

Big G: Erm... we could bind the cats together?

SS: I think the law would have a few things to say about stitching cats together.

Big G: Velcro would be a more obvious choice, surely?

SS: Excellent! The RSPCA will be powerless to stop us! Bring me thirty tabbies and your most attractive blind friend!

Exeunt stage right, carrying twelve cans of Whiska's and two very disturbing leers.