Shorter David Brooks: having encouraged my friend for decades to drink heavily, vomit on his opponent's carpets, and drive me home whilst he's steaming drunk, and having on multiple occasions called the barmen who wouldn't serve him as secret Prohibitionists who don't realise or care how much Americans love their booze, I am disgusted to find that said friend has an alcohol problem.
Shorter rest of the internet: Go fuck yourself, David Brooks!
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