Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Defying Explanation

Let me get this straight.  So this is the touching story of how eight different races got together and decided to live in harmony, partially because war is just so tiring, but maybe also so they had other people to shove under all the falling spaceship bits.  Or maybe to feed to the spiderdogs. Spiderdogs are a great idea, by the way.  They can fetch a stick and liquefy it with their venom sacs!  They can spin poop-bags from their own silk!  Agility classes only take half the time! And so on...

So like I said, there's eight races.  There's us, natch, and some sulking redheads, some sneaky white-haired sneering types, some albino IRA terrorists, a furry housekeeper, and Ludo from Labyrinth.  I don't know who the others are.  There's one roided-up bald guy who's got pneumonia so bad he's not just turned blue but his balls have apparently shrunk back into his anus, but I don't think he counts.  Even though he has numbers on his chest.

Anyway, between them these people have set themselves up a kind of frontier town, with the frontier being literalised as some weird shield-fence that presumably keeps out the spaceship bits and killer spiderdogs. Behind this barrier they spend all their time attending interpretive dance parties, watching people get beaten up, or going to the brothel to bang hot chicks.  This is totally fine and feminist, though, because in the future you're not allowed to pay some woman to pretend she enjoyed you fucking her unless you've had a shower first.  Girl power!

Speaking of girl power, though, at least the major of the town is a woman, so there's that, even if she (and everyone else) keeps saying "Feel me" all the time, which sounds stupid. Mind you, that's probably because in the future The Wire has become a religion, which is not only an awesome idea, but already true if you read the Guardian.

Meanwhile, Han Solo arrives with his adopted alien daughter Gingebacca, and they need cash so they can buy big enough guns and/or Winalot treats to deal with the spiderdogs, and recover the glowing d20 they've stolen from one of the crashed spaceship bits that blew up a little bit less than usual when it crashed. Post-terraforming First World problems, amirite?  Fortunately there's a man murdered by being half-dipped in brown paint for them to investigate, and an opportunity to relive old times by taking a reward and running before certain death arrives.  Princess Juleia Benz won't be happy!

Also there's some nasty robot monkeys wearing football helmets and/or tanks called the Bulge, I think. And a big tower that houses a giant hyper-dimensional game of Blockbusters (and no, two extra dimensions do not make up for the lack of Bob Holness).  Then everything explodes.

Is that about right?

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