Tuesday, 2 June 2015

La Game Of Thrones

(With apologies to George R.R. Martin, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and if I have to, Benioff and Weiss too. Season five spoiler warning!)

Gods have smiled upon you this day
The fate of se’en nations in your hands
And vulnerable Stark children
You’ll fight with all your bravery
'Til only the direwolf stands

I’ve made sure your lives suck
Full of terrors is your night
You’ll fight for five huge books
With still no end in sight

And when wolves or legs are gone
And you can’t carry on
Though you die, the Game of Thrones goes on

You may get stabbed in the head
At a wedding or at court
You may be burned to death
Or skinned alive for sport

And once I’ve tortured you
I will discard you without a thought
For, though you die, the Game of Thrones goes on

White Walkers:
Claim Westeros! Claim Westeros!
Because the Night’s Watch’s grown too small
This time next year the Wall shall fall!

Tomorrow night my life will change
Tomorrow night rule I’ll reclaim
An execution, for “Septa Shite”, tomorrow night

Back home there is too much room
There zombies roam and Walkers loom
And so it’s clear back home is doomed
And so I must be no-one soon!

Margaery and Loras:
Shut your fucking face, Brother Fucka
You're a Gods-awful Queen Regent, Brother Fucka
Margaery: Looks like we may be out of luck
Loras: But I’m better off than in the books!

Daenerys and Tyrion:
Why did our fathers start these wars?
What can we find worth living for?
Readers: How can one yarn feel like a marathon?
(Arya: I want to be no-one)

White Walkers:
When Westeros is dead and gone
There'll be no more Jaime or Bronn!

They may cut your dick or scrote
And send it to your dad
And though it hurts, you'll dote
On the douche who made you sad

But that's the way it goes
On this show you're shat upon
Though you die, the Game of Thrones goes ooooooooon!
(Arya: I want to be no-one!)

White Walkers:
Claim Westeros! Claim Westeros! CLAIM WESTEROS!!


Jamie said...

Nice. Although, surely: 'brother/cousin-fucker'...

SpaceSquid said...

I think you'll find Cersei is fucking Tommen's uncle...

SpaceSquid said...

Though having slept on it, "Brother Fucka" is better (in the original draft Joffrey was singing that verse, so it made a bit more sense), so I've changed it.

Jamie said...

Huzzah. That's possibly the most fun editorial amendment I've ever suggested...

SpaceSquid said...

You work in editing? It doesn't show... ;)

We should start a book over which adjective you'll start comments with before you get down to the business of telling me what I've gotten wrong.

Dan said...

In a similar (but also rather different) fashion. Did you see the GoT Red Nose sketch with Coldplay?


SpaceSquid said...

I did, and very much liked it. Daenerys Tareggaeyen was a particular highlight. Unless it's cultural appropriation, obviously. In that case I HATE IT.