The UN sits there.
Such power? Can't even leave
While screams sound back home.
"It's OK, people!"
Comes the call. "It's not zombies!"
"Oh. R'yleh's risen."
So: Great Cthulhu.
I heard that guy eats d6
Bureaucrats a round.
Which is bad enough
But then factor in his home
Is ten leagues from mine.
More screaming follows
We await our prognosis
And scowl at that guy,
Nigeria? Dude.
You're more like WHY?geria.
At least act contrite.
But no, he won't bend.
"Everyone was doing it!"
Doomed by peer pressure.
But then: the all clear!
The UN is dog-eat-dog
But not man-eat-man.
(Or woman, of course.
Structural limitations
Breed misogyny.)
Then a tense flight home,
(Right turn at Yap; best avoid
R'yleh flyovers.)
"What the hell?" I ask
Pointing to distant R'lyeh.
(My finger drips blood.)
"Summon creature spell,"
I'm told, "Planet-wide chanting."
"Cultists everywhere."
We had one ourselves,
Saved by a head-worn mind-shield
Hooray for tinfoil!
(Later we find out
It really was just tinfoil.
Still. Worked at the time.)
So, what do we do?
All those with nukes speak as one:
"Deploy atomics!"
Which is fine for some.
Specifically those some
Beyond fallout range.
(It's a metaphor
For imperialism
when you think on it.
The Far East needs help.
The major powers send death
And send misery.
Then they sit back down
Drink in hand, and tell the world
"Our actions saved lives."
Which I guess is true.
It's just those lives aren't our lives.
We cough blood and die.)
Plus, in other news
Zombies escape Africa
Aliens back off.
(We cancel our plan
Of exploding their warship.
Since it's not coming.
Much later we learn
Australia betrayed us.
And, y'know, all man.)
Also Nairobi
'Bout then stops being a thing
That still is a thing.
I heard ET nukes
And/or terrorist agents.
Either way: big bang.
Back to the UN.
Cthulhu talk wall-to-wall.
Undead now passe.
My phone twitches once.
"Japan zombie-positive.
You MUST secure aid."
Agenda quibbles.
"We will get to Cthulhu,
But he's not point one!"
But then... what could be?
Admiral! There be whales here!
Well, just outside. Obvs.
Things get awkward fast.
Sec Gen tells them how to jump.
Mansplaining to whales.
(Still, four years ago
I ate saezuri most weeks.
I should hold my peace)
So: why the whales came
And you won't believe this, but
Aliens are dicks.
You want specifics?
Remember Antartica?
How it stayed in place?
Those days are gone and
Now it's not so well-secured,
As the Beatles sang.
Aliens did that.
Hollowed out a continent.
Strip mined one whole pole.
And as a result
Sea levels will rise to flood
Everywhere on Earth.
Let's check the tally.
One: Tokyo a ruin.
Two: zombies unleashed.
Three: penguin slaughter
And the upcoming end of
All life on the Earth.
The UN's response?
Invite the aliens down
For tea and gateau.
"Maybe we can talk?
Perhaps they might sell us tech
To save humankind."
The UN, my friends.
Someone points a gun at you?
Offer them your cash!
(In fact it's worse still,
Like paying he who shot you
To remove the shell.)
I say no to this.
All Japan says no to this.
We'll quit the UN.
But first: the C-word.
How do you solve a problem
Like dread Cthulhu?
America knows.
Or thinks they do. And... surprise!
They want to use nukes.
"We'll perform three strikes.
Two in his tentacles, one
Up his squamous ass."
I glance about me
Blood-thirst in every eye.
Guess it's up to me.
I stand, quite alone
"There is only one response
"Quite simply, sir: no."
"Aliens get cake
Whilst Japanese beach-goers
Have their eyes burned out?"
"You've made us a joke.
A joke! And the punchline? Death.
Stop this mad folly."
But the US frowns.
"I fear you misunderstand.
We've launched already."
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