Treating Arguments With The Contempt They Deserve

I was blind, but at last I see.

GIBSON: But as you know, the questions [regarding Palin] revolve really around foreign policy experience. Can you honestly say you feel confident having someone who hasn't traveled outside the United States until last year, dealing with an insurgent Russia, with an Iran with nuclear ambitions, with an unstable Pakistan, not to mention the war on terror?

MCCAIN: Sure. And one of the key elements of America's national security requirements are energy. She understands the energy issues better than anybody I know in Washington, D.C., and she understands. Alaska is right next to Russia. She understands that.

Makes sense to me. If anything is wrong with McCain's logic it's that it doesn't go far enough. Why pick someone who lives near Russia when you could pick someone who lives in Russia? What about Putin, for example? He has massive experience with dealing with that arrogant arse Putin. They say that no-one in the world is a better authority on Putin than Putin is. Think what a boost that would be to the ticket. Plus, no more of that tedious mucking around with hot-lines and what-not. McCain can just stroll to Putin's office and beg him not to nuke Washington in person.

Look, Sen. Obama's never visited south of our border. I mean, please.

Good God, McCain's right! Obama is a latitude bigot! All this hoity-toity flying around Europe and all, it's just a snub against everything below the 33rd parallel! I bet he thinks the Tropic of Cancer is the edge of a quarantine zone, the elitist latte-sipping fascist Communist arugula lover!

Wait, what's that? He's been to Africa? Well, that's south, isn't it? I guess McCain meant Mexico. Clearly Obama's going to have to hope pretty hard that he isn't asked any questions on bull-fighting during any of the debates.

You know who I blame? Japan. If the Home Islands were stirring up trouble in the Pacific again, then Obama would be a shoo-in. I mean, the man was born in Hawaii, for Christ's sake. That's where Pearl Harbor is. Obama understands. Because of osmosis. That's the same process plants use to suck up water from the soil, and thus is science and must be right! Of course, the latter relies upon semipermeable membranes, protoplasts, and the phospholipid bilayer; and the latter relies upon the ability to read minds from across the sea, but the chemical principles are identical!

Come on, Japan! Stop being so outrageously accommodating and get in the game! Cokie Roberts said you were a sissy (probably). And we can all be sure that a war between you and President Obama would be far less scary than one between Russia and President McCain. They have ICBMs, all you've got is big-titted schoolgirls in robotic battle-suits.

And, admittedly, Godzilla. How far can that dude swim, exactly?