Thursday, 8 January 2009

The Welfare State Should Not Extend To Invertebrates

BigHead and SpaceSquid are attempting to relax with a mug of coffee, alongside new recruits Crematorium del Masque and Anonymous McNoname. As so often happens, talk turns to detailed discussions on our animal friends.

AMcN: It must be rubbish being a moth. Having to eat old clothes.

SS: That or having to fling yourself into a candle.

CdM: That's the Moon's fault. That's how moth's fly, by keeping a fixed angle to the Moon. Obviously, it's something of a poor strategy when naked flames are involved.

AMcN: Why would moths want to fly in a straight line?

SS: Don't most things want to travel in a straight line? You don't have to be a geometry buff to know that's the fastest way.

AMcN: But for their whole lives? Just keep flying in one direction.

SS: Why? It's not like they have moth lairs, or anything.

AMcN: They must do, surely.

SS: Then why do they keep settling on my curtains?

CdM: Those are homeless moths. Moth homelessness is an increasing problem these days, along with moth unemployment, and immigration by Muslim moths who don't understand or respect our cultural mores.

SS: Homeless moths? What the Hell are they doing in my house? I'm not a hostel for invertebrate hobos!

BH: And you call yourself a liberal.

SS: I'm not having some single mother moth who's probably addicted to charlie claiming squatter's rights in my living room! They bring it on themselves, a lot of them. Why can't they be more like the butterflies?

BH: Butterflies are so much more loved than moths.

SS: That's because butterflies contribute to society, helping flowers pollinate or whatever. Moths fly into my face when I'm trying to go to bed. Butterflies flutter about in the daytime, dazzling us with an array of colours. Goths sit around in the dark, sulking. They're Goth moths; with their antennae plastered with mascara and their heads full of meaningless self-indulgent poetry. "I have six legs, yet but one heart". Shut up, whinging Goth moths!

CdM: Moths are a lot more cuddly than butterflies, though.

AMcN: Cuddly?

CdM: Well, hairy.

SS: Hairy does not imply cuddly. Especially where women are concerned. Plus, cuddling a moth would damage its wings, wouldn't it?

CdM: Yeah, don't they have special dust on their wings? Butterflies do, to help them fly. So mum says, anyway. I spent an entire day as a kid rubbing butterflies against my arms to grant me the powers of flight.

SS: A day recorded in every butterfly history book as "The Tortoiseshell Genocide". Not that there are any butterfly history books, since they've all been stolen by the moths to sell for eyeliner and smack.

BH: Surely those would be emo moths.

SS: Shush.

AMcN: Maybe that's why the moths live in your house, Squid. It's not squatting, it's seeking sanctuary. Hiding from the world lest the terrible Del Masque returns to wreak vengeance.

SS: And just like that, we've diagnosed the cause of the crippling wave of moth benefit fraud. Next week: discouraging teenage egg-fertilisation in ladybirds.

Dedicated to the memory of Lord Mothington.

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