Monday, 3 May 2010

What My Downtime Looks Like

The scene: Pinshitter, Kitten-Breaker and our hero are watching the snooker final.

PINSHITTER: Dott's gone to pot.
SPACESQUID: Don't make me come over there and slap you.
PS: I'm just saying; it's all gone wrong. I guess that's what happens when your manager resigns.
SS: His manager resigned?
PS: He manages Higgins as well.
SS: Ah. That must be pretty difficult for the Wizard of Wishaw, huh? "I can't tell you why I was in Kiev, or in that hotel, but I promise I haven't done... wait, my manager's resigned? Er... look, kittens!"
KITTEN-BREAKER: Aw, kittens? That would convince me!
SS: So as long as the snooker authority's membership is made up entirely of you, he'll be completely fine.
K-B: Excuse me? I'd make an awesome head of snooker! I'd start each match with a Wheel of Fortune... wheel, and if it landed on "kitten" then half the balls on the table would be immediately replaced with kittens.
SS: So it's a foul for missing, hitting the wrong ball, or injuring a kitten?
K-B: Yes. But if you can persuade a kitten to enter a pocket of its own volition, then that would be fine.
SS: The kittens are coloured?
K-B: Each player will bring their own white kitten to the table. There'd be a certain amount of animal husbandry involved.
SS: So the plan is to herd cats with another cat. What could possibly go wrong?
PS: How do you colour the kittens?
K-B: Dye, I guess.
PS: I suppose pink would be the easiest.


SS: There is no way I want more details on that.
PS: I just meant that you could shave them.
SS:... OK, I confess that I was imagining something much worse.
PS: Let's give it a try. Right now.
K-B: Oh, you know any 24 hour pet stores in Coniston, Pinshitter?
PS: There's the garage down the road. It sells charcoal.
SS: And thus by extrapolation, immature cats?
PS: I accept that it's a long shot.
K-B: It is not a long shot, Pinshitter! It's imbecilic beyond mortal ability to express!
SS: Be fair, Kitten; that's at worst the eighth most stupid thing he's said all day.
PS: Which makes it a personal record.
SS: True, though I'm not sure that's something you want getting around.


K-B: I really want a kitten now.
PS: And I really want to shave it.
SS: And I really want to stop recording this conversation.

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