Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Risen From The Dead

Yes, I know.  Any excuse.  Shut up.

A Buffy reboot, huh? At first, I'll admit, this news left me cold.  Sure, BSG worked, but that was an update of something a quarter of a century old. Buffy itself drew to a close seven years ago.  It's pretty difficult to imagine this being sufficient time for a new iteration of the idea to, y'know, be legitimately new (it's also why MGK's comparison of those not happy with this idea as being comparable to those who hated Girly-Starbuck or Chris Pine-Kirk doesn't really work).  There is quite simply no way you can credit the idea that Moore put together the Galactica mini-series because he hoped to milk the original fan base.  The same does not apply here.

Having said that, after a little consideration, I realised I was being too gloomy.  Maybe there is some way for this new iteration to say something unique.  After all, BSG managed it by focusing on contemporary society's struggle between faith and secularism, and repeatedly commented on the war on terror and the nature of armed struggle. All Buffy needs to do is the same thing!  Drop all of that fascinating agony-of-growing-up stuff, and deal instead with one of the myriad crises of contemporary life.  For instance:

Buffghanistan:  Buffy and the Scoobies spend ninety minutes chasing vampire Taliban members around Tora Bora, only to realise once battle is joined that they've been given the wrong kind of stakes. After ten fruitless minutes of pelting the vamps with filet mignon, the Scoobies retreat, only for Xander is killed randomly by a roadside explosive. At the climax to the film, Buffy returns home only to find that no-one even knew she was out there, having been watching Spike rampage through Tikrit in a blacked-out Humvee instead.

The Color Of Blood Money: Buffy vows to clean up Wall Street when she learns the financial catastrophe was in fact engineered by a secret cabal of evil wizards determined to destroy all of civilisation in order to feed their own debauched appetites.  So a true story, basically, just with wizards.

Red Dawn: Buffy learns that the true horror in today's society is the runaway menace of yoof culture when Dawn becomes a smack-addicted vampire teenage prostitute, played by either Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.  Or both.  Whatever.  It's Dawn, for God's sake.  How much damage can we do?

Blue Blood Runs Red: Buffy discovers Kate Middleton has been turned into a vampire by Cockney bloodsuckers just one day before her wedding to Prince William.  Buffy teams up with an irascible Duke of Edinburgh (who constantly refers to her as "That Sugar-Tits Yank") to prevent the scandal of the century.  Only 24 hours remain before our king-to-be from marries someone now swimming with commoner's blood!

Fangs For Nothing: Buffy's world is turned upside-down when President Obama pushes through legislation forcing her to work full time as a government employed slayer, and hand out her life-savings entirely free of charge.  Within six months this Commie-loving blow to the free market causes the total destruction of the United States, and Obama is revealed to be Shaitan himself, the Muslim Lord of Darkness.  Buffy attempts to leave California so as to confront Obama in an epic duel to the death in the White House Rose Garden, but is foiled when she realises the Democrats have let gay terrorists crash all the planes.  A chilling vision of an all-too possible future.

Any other suggestions?

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