An Audience With Booze

Having spent this evening at Stockton's "Ale And Arty" beer festival (held in an arts centre - DO YOU SEE?), I thought it was worth briefly describing the ciders and perries sampled (yes, I had no ales, because they are shit, and if you like them you are shit).

Black Dragon

Apparently this is a cider matured in oak barrels.  I say, it's some kind of bizarre mixture of booze and cheddar.  Obviously, I've been arguing for years that alcoholic cheese is the greatest idea since sliced pornography, but I think Black Dragon serves as proof that some things should remain fantasies, rather than being dragged kicking and screaming into reality.

Blakeney Red Perry

This was allegedly the sweetest drink available in the cider/perry corner.  It's certainly sweeter than the Black Dragon, but it's hard to dispel the feeling that this is because they poured a barrel of sugar into it whilst I wasn't looking.  Oddly, it actually works.  Cheese + booze?  Piss off.  Cheese + booze + sugar?  Sign me up for that shit.  Funny old world, innit?

Moores Perry

Bizarrely, despite being a perry, this was the winner of tonight's award for "Most likely to be mistaken for apple juice".  It's pretty good, as well; just the right balance of sweetness and tartness.

Gwynt y Ddraig Perry

This should have been gorgeous. It's light, it's sweet, it's fairly strong - just how I like my perry (and my women).  There's a fly in the ointment, though.  The guy who poured it for me warned of a "sulphuric bite".  What he meant was that this is the best pint of perry you'll ever drink which has been previously farted into by an incontinent hippopotamus.  Being a total noob at all this, I have no idea as to whether this fartelbrau situation is intentional, or simply the perry equivalent of "corking".  What I do know is that Fartelbrau is a brilliant name for a beer, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Green Valley Scrumpy

It's scrumpy.  What do you expect?  All scrumpy is the same.  People pretend it isn't, so as to seem superior, but all scrumpy is exactly the same.  Like air-fresheners.  Or Italians.

Port Wine of Glastonbury

We have a winner!  It's pink and orange, which means it looks like some kind of breakfast drink.  It tastes like one too, and is therefore awesome.  Anything that can get me off my tits by lunchtime but be at least borderline socially acceptable is OK by me.

This concludes my latest foray into CAMRA festivals (I should also note that The Other Half let me try her Dragon's Breath, which for the sake of completeness I should note tastes like sewage mixed with washin- up liquid).  Clearly, if I find a similar festival in the midlands, I shall review that as well.