Over Siege?

I'm a little behind the times at the minute, but I finally got hold of and read the final issue of Siege this weekend. Spoilers will now be forthcoming. Watch them come forth!!!

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Well... it was short. And it needed to be. Secret Invasion was, at the barest minimum, two issues too long. It also suffered, as I've discussed earlier, from being essentially one horribly extended battle of attrition with a Savage Land sideshow of no real importance to anything. The first issue was great, and the last set up Osborn in a reasonably interesting way, but everything else? Not Much There.

So bonus points for Siege being so much snappier. Of course, when I complained that ...Invasion needed some serious trimming, I wasn't suggesting jettisoning everything except the fighting.

Which is kind of how Siege reads; like they're replaying the main slugathon from ...Invasion with everything extraneous stripped away. The fact that Captain America, Iron Man and Thor all return to high-level superheroism at the same time and on the same side is nice of course, but even so you've essentially just got a single location (Valhalla) into which successively large/powerful groups of heroes and villains are being dropped (though, again, this is far less of a problem for something like two and a half issues than it is for six).

For three issues, it just about managed to hold itself together, simplistic though it undoubtedly was. Certainly, I appreciated the pay-off to first Mighty and then Dark Avengers of having Osborn end up too war-hungry for the God of War - until then one of his two powerhouses - only for said god to then be ripped in two by Osborn's other titanic force, the Sentry. It made sense both logically and dramatically, and probably did more than anything previous to make the Sentry seem genuinely terrifying. My only quibble is that sending Ares into battle by telling him Loki is running Asgard seems massively unlikely to work, though I guess you could argue Osborn needed him more for the planning than the actual war. Which is another healthy layer of irony, now I think about it, as well as a counter to everyone who spent their time whinging that Ares was a one-note concept.

By the end of issue three, the shine was beginning to wear off, but at least it ended on something big. Void big. Pure Evil With the Power of a Million Exploding Suns big. You know how you thought "ginormous" was big? Well this big would find that big and RIP IT THE FUCK IN HALF.

Satisfactory resolution was always going to be a problem. Still, you're at least supposed to try. The problem with Siege #4 is that it doesn't read like a comic. It reads like the bullet points of what Bendis wanted to have happen, directly transcribed and illustrated. Loki gives the superheroes extra powers. Loki dies. Tony Stark crashes the helicarrier into the Sentry's face, and essntially kills him (though Thor finishes him off). Captain America is promoted to Chief Hero Of All Heroes. The Asgardians prove surprisingly forgiving. THE END.

Nothing feels like it's happening in front of you. Rather, it feels like we're being told it's happening, by someone who got to watch it first hand. In fact, this is what it's like: it's like we're about to read Siege #5 but right now we're watching the "Previously On" segment summarising the previous episode. The Sentry/Void crisis has been building for years - Bob ripped Carnage in half all the way back in 2005 - it needs more than just dropping an airship on him, however heavy it might be. And no, I don't care that Thor had already softened him up, and then gets to finish the job whilst the Void is regenerating, or whatever the Hell. If anything, it absolutely needed to be the other way round. The Sentry had just spent the last four issues smashing apart Thor's home. Murdered his friends. Killed his half-brother, even if he did kind of have it coming. Letting Stark get the kill-shot is a nice inversion of Osborn finishing off the Skrull Queen in ...Invasion #7, but Thor was both more capable of taking on the Void, and had far more invested in doing so. Thor needed to beat the Void, not just finish him off.

In fact, there is one hero that it would have made even more sense to hand the final blow to: Phobos. A day or two after reading Siege #3 I wrote a brief synopsis over at the SFX Forum outlining where I would have taken the story, had it been up to me. The post in question has been eaten due to that site's recent decision to obliterate most of its history and severely limit its number of threads, but essentially it went like this. Not only does Phobos have a pretty major reason to hate the Sentry, who has only just killed his father, but his status as God of Fear gives him a unique in regarding the Void itself. The whole point of Bob Reynolds was that he was mortally afraid of the Void to the point of complete paralysis. But what about the Void? How afraid is he of Bob? Only one way to find out!

Doing it this way would have several significant advantages. Phobos getting to avenge his Dad would be one. Getting some mileage out of Phobos himself would be another; admittedly I've only read the first six issues of Secret Warriors but thus far all he's really done is let off a few cryptic prophecies and complained endlessly (though justifiably) that Fury won't actually let him do anything. It would make for something far more interesting than the usual "heroes beat up enemy before someone delivers the death blow" formula that Siege ultimately chose to follow in the laziest way possible (this is a wider problem with Bendis; his dialogue and characterisation are frequently more than passingly smart, but his resolutions to crises never really amount to much, see "Maria Hill turns up with a bazooka" back in Siege #2) - there were after all plenty of other super villains running around for them to smack down. And lastly, it would allow the Void to be finally beaten by the exact hero he always should have: the Sentry himself. Sure, Phobos would be the gun, but Bob would be - as Osborn was always so fond of calling him - the golden bullet. I don't for a moment think it would have been a smart move for the Sentry to actually survive the battle, but that doesn't mean he couldn't win it.

Instead, we're treated to magic rocks, the world's biggest head-on collision, and the distinct feeling that both the Sentry and the Void just got pissed away in the most weak-sauce way imaginable. And don't even get me started on The Sentry: Fallen Sun (which admittedly I have only read parts of). Just as with Rose Tyler, it should always start alarm bells ringing when a story is desperately throwing out reasons why the reader should care, rather than letting them make up their own mind.

All told, I guess I'd be pretty hard pressed to call Siege a disaster. Even "very poor" seems like too harsh a judgement. Certainly, though, it managed to miss a whole host of opportunities as it unfolded.

Still... it was short.

Update: Here's a 4th Letter post about Siege's conclusion that I decided not to read before I'd written the above, to make sure it didn't influence my thinking too much. Now that I've read it, and found out it's essentially the same piece only approximately thirty times smarter and more informed, I am regretting opening my mouth at all. Glad to know other people thought the Phobos angle was the right one, though.

The Dog Chorus

Man, but this has been a busy weekend, filled with dogs and beer and picnics and cricket and fishies.

I have thus nothing of any great importance to say (even by my standards), so instead I'll just offer up a link from last week that I initially missed: Lou Reed's wife to use Sydney Opera House to hold concert for dogs.

I haven't yet decided what my favourite line in the article is. It's either "an inter-species social gathering on a scale never seen before in Australia" - which immediately begs the questions: what are the top five previous inter-species gatherings, and do any of us want to know exactly what went down there - or "The show... will last for 20 minutes as she says "dogs don't have a giant concentration span". " Since Sydney Opera House has a capacity of 1500, that's a potential 750 dogs plus their owners (at a minimum). I would respectfully suggest that the biggest issue of placing almost eight hundred dogs in the same room is not liable to be that under normal circumstances they can only sit quietly for twenty minutes.

Friday Outrage

Sometimes, I use a lot of words. Yeah, I know, pass the smelling salts, ‘old the phone, etc. My point is, I recognise the problem. From time to time, though, I like to see exactly how few words are needed to demolish an argument. With Jennifer Rubin, I reckon I can do it in eight. Well, I could do it in three, actually; “Fuck you, Rubin”, which I admit is hardly a compelling argument, but entirely in keeping with her intellectual level (which most closely resembles a crab with access to spell-check). But let’s rise above the level of our opponents, shall we (it’s not like it’s much of a job, in any case). Our subject bleats (even if she is quoting):

if you are not with Israel, you are against her. And if you do not oppose with every fiber of your being and every instrument at your disposal that which intends the Jewish state harm, you are enabling her destroyers.

and we respond: “What if we oppose the Jewish state harming itself?”

This is Larison’s territory, amongst others, so I shan’t stay long, save to note the obvious. Rubin is not defending Israel. She thinks she is, because she’s a hack and a fool, but she isn’t. She is defending the Israeli government, and hoping nobody notices. Actually, even that gives her too much credit. She’s defending the Israeli government and labelling anyone who queries her an Israeli-hater.

There is little in this world more tiring than someone who pretends the usual gaggle of bureaucrats, warmongers and sex addicts that sit atop a country can be conflated with the population itself. I suffered through enough of that idiocy during the Bush administration, thanks very much. Of course, my displeasure with this state of affairs really isn’t the issue. The issue is that Rubin can be so staggeringly, apoplexy-inducingly imbecilic as to argue criticism of Netanyahu and his cronies is equivalent to attacking Israel whilst simultaneously calling out Obama as a douche-bag.

There are only two alternatives, here. Rubin is either a traitor, or she is a grotesque hypocrite. I would tend to suspect the latter, actually. She can probably make her own mind up, of course, but it’s one or the other.

Israel’s goverment is quite simply killing Israel on the international stage, just as Bush skull-fucked the corpse of UN sympathy after 9/11, only Israel can afford it far, far less. Those of us with an interest in the state of the Israeli people will continue to point this out long after Rubin has forgotten this latest crisis amongst the the general morass of violence and lunacy and death. Assuming “Long after” is still a phrase that can be applied at all in this case, because sooner or later Rubin and her posse are going to support Israel into extinction. The fact that she will blame us for it will be fairly cold comfort all around.

It All Adds Up

The first article in my new regular series (which will be coming out at roughly fortnightly intervals) is up over at Geekplanet. Unsurprisingly, it's going to be based on statistics and probability, partially just as an exploration of the topics themselves, but also their application to what idiots say in the media (the fairly major black cloud to this silver lining is that it will mean reading a lot more tabloid bullshit so I can effectively tear it to bits).

I'm pretty proud of this one, and I'm hoping the others live up to it. Certainly they should be of a higher standard than my average blog post, both because I can afford to spend more time on them and because I have an editor/proofreader now.

Taking The... No, Too Obvious.

I believe my dog loving credentials are well-established. Hell, I have an entire tag devoted to them. I got into a drunken argument a couple of months ago with a friend when I confessed that I'd find it difficult to choose between the life of my dog and the life of a complete stranger - a truth, by the way, which I am in no way proud of, but is there nonetheless. I don't write poetry (unless it's about Ibb, of course), but I'm perhaps at my closest whenever there's a canine involved.

In short, I adore our myriad forms of domesticated wolf. Moreover, I am continually, deeply impressed by the multitude of ways they can be trained to be more helpful (I am still amazed by all the different things they can do for war veterans, for example). Even so, I'm finding it really difficult to be OK with the idea of them sniffing my urine for prostate cancer.

Perhaps this is my unqualified love of dogs clashing with my absurd hygiene issues, or maybe it's my firm belief that the degree of love I have for something should be inversely proportional to how happy I am for them to smell my piss.

Still, that's just my own craziness talking. For the rest of humanity, it can just be reason #457,658 why man's best friend is worthy of your adulation and praise.

h/t to Balloon Juice.

Quz 4

A relatively easy one this time around. 36 is the score to beat, though there are a potential 41 on offer.

Round 1: Words

(Every answer contains the word "Cat")

1. To formally renounce a throne, right, power, claim or responsibility. Abdicate

2. A violent upheaval or a sudden physical change in the earth's surface. Cataclysm

3. Something which calls up or produces memories or feelings. Evocative

4. A picture or description that ludicrously exaggerates the peculiarities or defects of the subject. Caricature

5. To chew or otherwise reduce to a pulp. Masticate

Round 2: Elephants

1. What is the English translation of the term "pachyderm", variously used to describe elephants, hippos and rhinos? Thick skinned

2. Whose medical condition was diagnosed by Victorian doctors as attributable to his mother being knocked over by an elephant whilst pregnant? (A bonus point for getting the name exactly right). The Elephant Man (whose name was actually Joseph Merrick)

3. Which Hindu God has the body of a man, albeit with two extra arms, and the head of an elephant? Ganesha

4. Which fictional elephant, who eventually became ruler of the elephant kingdom, was co-created by Jean and Cecile de Brunhoff, and appeared in stories illustrated by Jean and later his son Laurent, as well as a cartoon series and several animated films? BaBar

5. Which writer wrote a fictional origin story for the elephant which was published in 1902, and also composed a short poem titled "The Elephant" in which he describes the animal as "Our lord the Elephant, Chief of the ways of God." Rudyard Kipling

Round 3: Royal Deaths

1. What very regrettable thing happened to William the Conqueror during his funeral at Caen in 1087? He exploded

2. George II's eldest son Frederick died of a burst abscess believed to be caused by the impact of what object? A tennis/cricket ball

3. George Plantagenet, 1st Duke of Clarence, died in 1478, reputedly by drowning in what? A butt of Malmsey wine

4. Which of Henry VIII's wives was the second one to be beheaded? Catherine Howard

5. Which monarch was reputedly murdered by a fundamental red hot poker? Edward II

Round 4: Music (Queen)

(Five Queen songs, each with the title written in an alternative fashion)

1. Ecstasy From West Of Moravia. Bohemian Rhapsody

2. Some Form Of Sorcery. A Kind Of Magic

3. Beneath Force. Under Pressure

4. Allow Me To Continue At Present. Don't Stop Me Now

5. No-One Goes To Hell. Heaven For Everyone

Round 5: Lost Things

1. What name did 19th century geologist Philip Sclater give to his supposed lost continent, which he believed could once be found in the Indian Ocean, and would account for the similarities in Indian and Madagascan fauna? Lemuria

2.The Bermuda Triangle, in which many ships and planes have been lost over the years, has one point in Bermuda itself, and one in Florida. It's third point lies on which Caribbean island? Puerto Rico

3. In which play is a character told "To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."? The Importance Of Being Earnest

4. According to common legend, the Roman IXth Legion disappeared in the second century AD, presumably in battle with tribesman from what is now Scotland; their last official record, dated AD71, states they had settled in what became known as Eboracum, remnants of which can still be seen in which British city? York

5. The term "Lost Generation", attributed to Gertrude Stein overhearing a French car mechanic and popularised by Ernest Hemingway, came to be used in the US to describe those who came of age shortly after which conflict? World War I

Round 6: Mountains

1 Which peak, part of the Karakoram Range and located on the China/Pakistan border, has gained the nickname "The Savage Mountain" due to the exceptional difficulty involved in climbing it, and the high fatality rate amongst those who make the attempt? K2

2. The novella "At The Mountains of Madness", published in 1936, was written by which American horror author, best known for creating the extra-terrestrial monster Great Cthulhu? H.P. Lovecraft

3. Which mountain, the tallest in the Cairngorms, is said to be haunted by a malevolent entity that takes the form of a tall grey man, the sight of whom causes unbearable terror? Ben MacDui

4.What is the tallest known mountain in the Solar System, and on which celestial body is it found? Olympus Mons, on Mars

5. Who played Inman in the 2003 film Cold Mountain, which was adapted from the Charles Frazier book of the same name? Jude Law

General Knowledge

1. (From A Town Like Alice) What is the name of the family that Jean initially helps when they attempt to evacuate? Holland

2. Which German naturalist and explorer helped give birth to the field of biogeography, and gave his name to a penguin, a squid, a lily, a bay, a current, a river, and a peak, amongst other things? Humboldt

3. Who became world heavyweight champion in 1962 after knocking out Floyd Patterson in the first round, and though found dead on the 5th of January 1971 was judged to have died in December 1970 due to the number milk bottles and newspapers at the door? Charles L. "Sonny" Liston

4. Located in Venezuela and with a height of over a kilometre, what is the highest waterfall in the world? Angel Falls

5. Who resigned as first secretary of the treasury this weekend following revelations that he had claimed £40 000 for living in his partner's house? David Laws

6. What is the largest order of marsupials to be found outside of Australia? Possums

7. The House Of Keys is the lower house of which island's parliament? The Isle Of Man

8. The Robert Burns poem "Green Grow The Rushes, O" is cited as one possible origin for which slang term for foreigners employed by Spanish and Portuguese speakers, and most famously by Mexicans? Gringo

9. Martin Scorcese's 2005 film "No Direction Home" was a feature-length documentary about which American singer-songwriter? Bob Dylan

10. What kind of animal is a John Dory? A fish

"How Can The Same Shit Get Said To The Same Guy Twice?"

Shorter Jackson Diehl: You should never try to stop your friend from stealing, because if that friend then kills someone, how can you object without looking like you're just picking on them?

I'm trying to work out which universe Diehl has spent his life wandering around in that could lead him to conclude that the only way to stop major crimes is to make sure you aid or ignore all the lesser ones leading up to it. It's the Kramer vs Kramer approach to foreign relations, basically: "OK, fine, you can do that, but next time we'll really be angry". Because nothing makes someone think twice about taking that next step like being allowed to take all the previous ones unhindered.

This is to say nothing of the implication that if Obama now does condemn Israel for this (which he would naturally do in the most milquetoast manner possible), Diehl will use that as a reason why the US cannot afford to object in twelve months' time when the IDF start using giant mutant lizards to consume the babies of anyone across the world who didn't like Fiddler On The Roof. Because they were already mean once, you see? And whatever $2.5 billion dollars a year gets you, it clearly doesn't give you the right to complain twice.