The Month In Minutiae

Problem: A wave of petty (very, very petty) crime sweeping our department.

Cost to department: Delicious biscuits, much-loved spoons, assorted crockery.

Cost to me: One mug.

Response: Equally petty (very, very petty, though hopefully amusing) group e-mail:

If anyone is still weighing up their options regarding New Year resolutions, might I humbly suggest one: not stealing other people's mugs.

At this point my own coffee receptacle has been AWOL for over a month. I can thus only assume that either it is being used as a desk ornament with which to impress visitors from other, mugless societies, or that the mould that has presumably grown within is close to reaching the level of intelligence necessary to mark your homework scripts for you.

In case you're wondering, the item in question bears the English strip upon its side, but that doesn't really matter. Look around your office. Note any mugs. Check those mugs against your memories of buying mugs.

Any not match up? Put them back.

Kthanx

PS: For the record, the volume of the average coffee mug is equal to approximately that of 2.7 coffee cups of the kind already available in the coffee room. Thus, those too tight or too lazy to acquire a mug of their own can achieve the exact same result as stealing my mug by just using 2.7 coffee cups instead. You won't have to swipe anything!

Unless you enjoy theft, obviously, in which case I suggest you try stealing cars or gold ingots. Nobody likes an underachiever.

Result #1: Mug returned

Result #2: Extra mug gained as birthday present.


("If I am not DR. CROSSMAN then I stole this mug")

Conclusion #1: A man's mug is his chalice.

Conclusion #2: My best birthday presents always involve others playing off my total refusal to gain any sense of perspective or proportion whatsoever.