I named this post in the vague hope that others would attempt to beat my times, but to be honest this is 50% an opportunity to get some good solid anal retention going, and 50% a chance to hasten my inevitable descent into Type 2 Diabetes.
Event #1: The Battenberg Liquorice Allsort
The two pink cuboids must be independently consumed without damaging the liquorice ones, which are consumed last. Final score is equal to the number of seconds taken to eat all four cuboids (including all necessary swallows), multipled by the number of pieces into which cuboids not being consumed at the time are broken into.
Time: 12 s
Broken cuboids: 1 (i.e. whole)
Overall: 12 points
A beginner-level event. Those looking for a greater liqourice-based challenge could attempt a similar process utilising one of those white and yellow triple sandwich things.
Event #2: The Double Decker
Nougat must be entirely scraped off with teeth first; only then may you eat the crispy part. The final score is equal to the number of seconds taken to scrape away the nougat multiplied by the number of pieces the crispy part is broken into during the operation.
Time: 36 s
Crispy biscuit pieces: 2
Overall: 72 points
I broke the end off the crispy part with literally the last bite of the round. Damn.
Event #3: The Creme Egg
Time: 80 s
Unintended additional pieces: 4
Overall: 320 points
Clearly this is a very difficult event. Not only are the walls of the chocolate egg dangerously sensitive to the slightest pressure, but they rapidly lose what little strength they have as they weather the assault of a dedicated tongue. Further practice definitely required.
Event #4: Fry's Turkish Delight
For this event, each piece of chocolate must be peeled away from the inner jelly and consumed separately (except for those on the underside, which are all but unassailable). Only once all chocolate has been eaten can the delicious rosewater-flavoured wibbliness be orally destroyed. As always, point score is calculated by multiplying the time required to consume the treat by the number of unwanted fractures, this time in the pink gelatine-based cuboid.
Time: 79 s
An involving but ultimately simple exercise, made significantly easier by judicious application of developed thumbnails.
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