Monday, 18 January 2010

OCD Olympics

Having briefly discussed my disturbingly methodical approach to eating various forms of food last year, I have decided to go meta-OCD and become anal about the actual eating process itself. I have therefore chosen four different forms of food, and will attempt to eat each one in the manner that God intended, assuming God washes his hands every ten minutes and has to check eight times a night that the Pearly Gates are locked.

I named this post in the vague hope that others would attempt to beat my times, but to be honest this is 50% an opportunity to get some good solid anal retention going, and 50% a chance to hasten my inevitable descent into Type 2 Diabetes.

Event #1: The Battenberg Liquorice Allsort


The two pink cuboids must be independently consumed without damaging the liquorice ones, which are consumed last. Final score is equal to the number of seconds taken to eat all four cuboids (including all necessary swallows), multipled by the number of pieces into which cuboids not being consumed at the time are broken into.


Time: 12 s

Broken cuboids: 1 (i.e. whole)

Overall: 12 points

A beginner-level event. Those looking for a greater liqourice-based challenge could attempt a similar process utilising one of those white and yellow triple sandwich things.

Event #2: The Double Decker


Nougat must be entirely scraped off with teeth first; only then may you eat the crispy part. The final score is equal to the number of seconds taken to scrape away the nougat multiplied by the number of pieces the crispy part is broken into during the operation.


Time: 36 s

Crispy biscuit pieces: 2

Overall: 72 points

I broke the end off the crispy part with literally the last bite of the round. Damn.

Event #3: The Creme Egg


The egg can be penetrated by whatever method is desired, but it must be done with one's teeth. The goo must then be entirely licked out of whatever remains of the shell. Once this is donw, the remaining chocolate must be consumed. Once again, the trial will be timed, and that value in seconds multiplied by the number of pieces the egg splits into during either the initial penetration or the licking process (those pieces deliberately snipped off to gain ingress do not count towards the multiplier).


Time: 80 s

Unintended additional pieces: 4

Overall: 320 points

Clearly this is a very difficult event. Not only are the walls of the chocolate egg dangerously sensitive to the slightest pressure, but they rapidly lose what little strength they have as they weather the assault of a dedicated tongue. Further practice definitely required.

Event #4: Fry's Turkish Delight


For this event, each piece of chocolate must be peeled away from the inner jelly and consumed separately (except for those on the underside, which are all but unassailable). Only once all chocolate has been eaten can the delicious rosewater-flavoured wibbliness be orally destroyed. As always, point score is calculated by multiplying the time required to consume the treat by the number of unwanted fractures, this time in the pink gelatine-based cuboid.


Time: 79 s

Pieces in delicious wibbly cuboidal blob: 1

Overall: 79 points

An involving but ultimately simple exercise, made significantly easier by judicious application of developed thumbnails.

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That's all from this year's OCD Olympics. See you in 2 years for the OCD Winter Olympics, whereby I will repeat all the above challenges, but with the relevant foods straight from the fridge. Will my ridiculously sensitive teeth cope. WHO DARES SAY!?!


Chemie said...

I don't think nails should be allowed! My nails could make very short work of liquorice squares and even potentially make easy incisions into a creme egg. Participants must wear gloves, it's only fair.

SpaceSquid said...

Nonsense. If God hadn't intended us to use our nails to pry chocolate off of bricks of Turkish Delight, then He'd have given us suckers on the ends of our fingers.

Now, if we were to put together the OCD Special Olympics, for those with pathetically sub-standard cuticle growth, that would be entirely acceptable.