Always Remember, They Started It

At last! Some good news in our battle against Mother Nature!

It's been a tough few years for those of us who realise just how evil that mad bitch Gaia is. Monkeys controlling robots with their minds, mechanical fish patrolling the deep off the Iberian Peninsula, zombie wasps poised to invade arable farms the length and breadth of America. Sure, in each case well meaning "humans" have taken credit for these insane and dangerous breaches of good order, but I see the cunning manipulations of Tellus, as she prepares to sweep us from "her" world.

At last, then, we have decided to take the fight to the enemy. Starting with mosquitoes. Sure, they may be tiny, but they're everywhere, and they've killed a lot of people. So what are we gonna do about it?

We're gonna laser the fuck out of them.

Oh, that I might live to see the day that I can sit on my back porch, drinking fine Kentucky bourbon and allowing myself to be sent to sleep by the phht phht phht sound of thousands of tiny insects beyond shot from the air by barrages of indiscriminate laser fire. My dreams will be peaceful and contented.

I know what you're thinking! That I, SpaceSquid, in attempting to nullify the threats arrayed against us by a vindictive planet, am embracing the very technology that will spell our doom!

Not so! We have nothing to fear from our web of laser death! Why, it will be specifically programmed to leave us alive! " It would reject a butterfly or a human, for example." No, it is inconceivable that we should be concerned about putting such devices in the field. If anything, they're not destructive enough. Kill the butterflies as well, I say. Sure, they're not a threat yet, but evolution is a tricky bastard. There was a time when you could walk through a jungle without any fear of being eaten by tigers, or bitten by poisonous snakes. All right, none of was were there at that time, but it damn well existed.

Let's not take the chance. Let's get a little "prevenge" going. Take out the butterflies. And the moths. All of them. Let's immolate every last six-legged creature that flies. Then, after a sufficiently opulent party to celebrate our victory (we'll need to be careful we don't use up too much honey in the cooking, though, that shit's gonna get expensive fast), we can gather our brightest minds together, and get to work on the miniature plasma-bomb minefields we'll need to kill all the crawling ones.

For the first time in a long while, the future is looking up.