Thursday, 10 March 2011

(Scott) Walking Off A Cliff

I don't know if anyone else has been following the situation in Wisconsin over the last few weeks, but it's becoming increasingly interesting/depressing/potentially explosive.  For those not up to date, let's summarise:

GOP Senate Candidates: Vote for us, and we'll protect collective bargaining rights for public worker unions.

Unions: Here are some votes!

Governer Walker: We need to save money.  Public workers; take a pay-cut!

Unions: Umm... OK...

Walker: We must save more money!  I shall now end collective bargaining rights!

Unions:  Hey!  I thought those were off the table!

GOP Senators: Hey, we're elected now.  We're just gonna do what we're told.

Unions: How does taking away collective bargaining save money?

Walker: It just does!  Invisible hand, motherfuckers!  All I have to do now is pass this bill through the Senate, and... GODDAMN IT WHERE IS THE SENATE!?!

Democrat Senators: Thanks for the paychecks, beetchez!  We're all in Illinois now.  Good luck getting together a quorum!

Walker: But I need a quorum.  I need it nooooooooooow! The legislature can't vote on anything that will materially affect the budget without one!

Democrat Senators: You should have thought of that before you guys all became pooheads who smell of poo.  Beetchez.

Walker: I'll be mean about you in the media.

Democrat Senators: You're already mean about us in the media.

Walker: I'll start laying off workers.

Democrat Senators: Yeah, right.  Tell that to the mob outside.

Walker: Oh, crap.

Massive Public Protest: Walker out!  Walker out!  We're not leaving the state house until this crappy bill is put out of our misery!

Walker: Hah!  I shall have the police throw you out!

Police: Actually, we're on their side.

Walker:... Oh, crap.  Bolt the windows!  With actual bolts!

Prank Caller: Hi, Scott Walker?  I'm totally one of your evil capitalist overlords, and I want to know if you've planted agitators in the crowd to ensure everything goes tits up.  I'm not recording this conversation, if that's what you're thinking.

Walker: We thought about it, but we couldn't work out how to do it.  But don't worry, I promise all the unions are gonna get what's coming to them.  Filthy hippy layabouts!

Prank Caller: Psyche! I was recording this conversation.  Let's see what happens now!

Massive Public Protest: Boo!  Let's start the petitions we need to recall the governor.  And his little senate friends, too!

Walker:  Eek!  This is going pretty badly wrong.  Time for drastic measures!

Democratic Senators: Heh!  Whatcha gonna do, dawg?  I don't see any spare quorums sitting around here.  Except ours, obviously, which is just sitting in a hotel and getting loaded by our indoor pool.

Walker: You're paid to do a job, you douches!  You've abandoned the fundamental principles of democracy!

70% of Wisconsin: Don't end collective bargaining!

Walker: Shut up, you ungrateful proles!  This is for your own good!  Ayn Rand told me so!  And it will materially affect the budget, like you wanted!

70% WS: How?

WALKER: SHUT UP!!!  You guys, we can totally still vote on this thing.

GOP Senators: How?  We need our Democratic colleagues to hold a quorum.

Walker: Then we'll just take out the bits of the bill that materially affect the budget.  We can vote on the rest of it right now.

GOP Senators: So all that's left is the stuff that won't materially affect the budget?

Walker: That's right.

GOP Senators: And what would that be?

Walker:... Ending collective bargaining!

I hope that's cleared everything up for you.  To summarise, if 52% of the people elect you to clear up the budget, you can ignore the 70% of the people who don't like the way you're doing it, you can rely on the help of those who specifically said this was one thing they'd never do, and you can do it despite the fact that the only way you can enact the laws you claim will increase revenue is to strip out all the bits that have any chance of increasing revenue.

Plus, and Caller ID is for pussies.

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