Exclusive Secrets Of Secret Exclusiveness

Everybody knows how hard it is to get George R R Martin to talk in public about his future plans for A Song of Ice and Fire, up to and including when he's going to get the next installment out.  Fortunately, your humble blog scribe has finally found a way to break through Martin's silence and bring you the skinny regarding The Winds of Winter: just dream you had a conversation with him and assume all details revealed are accurate!

We therefore provide here the juciest details of last night's interview with Martin, which took place simultaneously in a bar, on a beach, and outside my parents' house.

• Major clues to the direction of books six and seven can be found by listening closely to the Toto's 1979 album Hydra, though ironically "Saint George and the Dragon" has no connection to the plot whatsoever;
• Martin expressed bafflement in over his fans' obsessions.  Yes, there are a race of hyper-intelligent shape-changing fish creatures attempting to take over Westeros, but very few of the main cast have been replaced with fishy duplicates;
• The entirety of the series was written specifically to piss of Robert Heinlein, by demonstrating that military societies are always filled with twats (when it was pointed out Heinlein passed away eight years before A Game of Thrones was published, Martin replied only "Good riddance". It is for this reason an extended sequence featuring the Night's Watch fighting bugs on Klendathu will appear early in the next book. Rumours this will lead to a casting opportunity for Casper van Diem are unconfirmed, mainly because I didn't know if he was dead;
• "Treme + swords - trumpets = next book";
• Theon will receive a penis transplant from a Ibennese serial killer with "hilarious results";
• Dany's dragons will actually be some fucking use.

All pretty exciting, we think you'll agree.  At the end of the interview, Martin expressed some displeasure at having been interviewed at such length without being invited in for tea with my folks, but promised he would happily sit down for another chinwag the next time I can tear my dreams away from Christina Hendricks riding Shai-Hulud bareback.