Thursday, 9 January 2014

Pay No Attention To The Little Green Man Behind The Curtain

Wait, what?
Jim Garrow today appeared on Erik Rush’s radio show to promote the Operation American Spring rally, where he predicted that President Obama will try to distract Americans from his supposed scandals…by claiming that he is now in touch with alien life.
Where could an idea like this even come from? What neurones have to misfire in what combination to think anyone with the capacity to dress themselves in the morning would figure this a sensible plan for distracting the populace.  Has Garrow never seen Wag the Dog, or the Clinton administration?  You distract people with wars, not with claims of extra-terrestrial life.  The fever-dreams of Republicans already insist the President thinks himself a benevolent dictator without intellectual equal.  You think he wants to let them know he can talk to aliens too?

Still, this isn't the most paranoid an Obama conspiracy theory could get.  That would be to insist Obama is in contact with aliens, who have already signed on to help him remould society according to his dark desires.  In no particular order, then, I present an array of potential extra-terrestrial allies the President may wish to call upon:

The Kanamits

AKA the ones from the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man". No species so perfectly encapsulates the true horror of "Community Organisers" and the creeping danger of mad socialist ideas like being nice to your neighbours, even if they're black or gay or something. Not only are these sneaky bastards only pretending to help out whilst getting us ready for the grill (basically Obamacare death-panels with BBQ sauce), but they have the capacity to stop weapons from working.  First it was the nuclear weapons, sure, but how long can it be before a Kanamit stands on every street corner, disabling your guns whilst smiling community volunteers are pushing you into meat trucks with steak tenderisers?

First they will come for your right to bear arms.  Then they will come for your arms, which taste delicious in onion gravy.

The Tau

It's those irrepressible space Commies, again, here to make you an offer you can't refuse!  It's all in the name of the "greater good", they say, but if you don't want a blank-faced authoritarian giving you orders in a way you find unaccountably... Eastern, then the Kroot will show up and eat your face. And to think these days Obama has to rely on the ATF and census workers to keep you in line! And frankly, if you don't think the man in the Oval wouldn't leap at the chance to read the thoughts of his enemies by having them eaten by rampaging dreadlocked thugs, you simply haven't been paying attention.

Once the Tau Empire arrives and Comrade Obama hands over the keys to the country, of course, that's it for the American dream, replaced forever by an ongoing socialist nightmare in which people join together to build a better world, anyone who asks for it can get food and housing and where military action is a last resort even when arguing with brown people. 

A Stalinist dystopia, in other words.

The Martians

When the Martians first came to our planet in the final days of the 19th century, it took them all of a few weeks to knock over the largest military force ever assembled up to that time.  The English didn't seem to appreciate this at all, but a century and change later, it's clear some people were taking notes.  What better way to bring about the destruction of the America you secretly hate than to bring the tripod-toting red planet thugs for round two? In 1897 they had poison gas that could out-shoot artillery weapons and heat rays that could ruin everyone's day.  Gods alone know what they've cooked up in the last eleven decades.

And that small matter of not being able to survive long on this planet without being struck down by the lurgy?  What else is universal health care access for, anyway?  For two years Obama has been insisting his overhaul of the health care system would not be accessible to aliens.  Was he trying to defend his policy to an increasingly xenophobic and self-centred citizenry?  Or doth the gentleman simply protest too much?

The Pkunk

The ur-bird for lovey-dovey useless hippies.  Whilst they're bleating on about their spiritual relationship with the Pootworm, two thirds of their interstellar civilisation has been blown to feathers by murderous fanatical spiders.

And what on this planet looks like a murderous fanatical spider?  That's right!  Two Iranians sellotaped together! Sure, maybe there's nothing in the Quran about being stuck to one's colleagues with adhesive tape before clumsily advancing through the lands of the infidel, but how do we know?  You've not read the Quran!  I've not read the Quran! There could be anything in there!

And when the eight-limbed forces of Islamic fundamentalism try to unconvincingly cartwheel their chafing bodies down Main Street, what can we expect from Obama and his coterie of long-fingered
beaky bastards? A fucking tarot reading.

Those are my picks, people of the intertubes.  Who else has a nomination?

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