SpaceSquid vs. The X-Men #4: Fly-Boy

Despite my well-known propensity for pouring scorn upon everything in my path, it still came as something as a shock to realise that when considering the characters from my all-time favourite comic book series, I’ve gone three for three in assessing them as intolerable douche-bags.

Tragically, that pattern is unlikely to change as we consider Warren Worthington III, a man for whom the term douche-bag often seems to not go far enough. In fairness, Professor X and Cyclops are irritating because of their inflexible devotion to the big picture regardless of cost, and Iceman is annoying because he seems determined to remain a teenager for the rest of his life. Angel, though, is a dick because he enjoys being a dick.

Or at least, that’s probably what he tells himself. There’s some reason to doubt the idea, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

In many ways Worthington is the polar opposite (no pun intended) of Bobby Drake. On the most obvious level, Warren finds it significantly harder to pass for “normal”. Discovering his mutant “gift” whilst at a swanky college (which, incidentally, is where he meets Cameron Hodge; more on him later), he immediately realises that he won’t be able to keep his budding wings a secret for long, and so he deliberately acts like a prick until he ends up in the private school equivalent of solitary confinement. Even given the fact that his alienation was deliberate on his part, one could hardly blame a teenager for hating his fellow pupils for the inevitable counter-attacks he must have suffered from them. Despite this, though, when a fire breaks out at the school he doesn’t hesitate to disguise himself and risk his life by flying the other students to safety.

Something in that experience changes Warren’s life forever. High on his successful rescue, he decides to upgrade his costumed activities to crime-fighting. Arming himself with a gas-gun (the first of several attempts by writers over the years to make Angel something more than just the chap with the wings), he takes to the streets of New York to bust up the local punks. In the process he catches the attention of Professor Xavier, who takes his X-Men to wait for Angel in his apartment before confronting him [1]. Inevitably, this leads to a punch-up, which leaves Iceman unconscious. Quickly this proves to be unfortunate, since a bit of instant refrigeration would be just the ticket to calm the vial of atomic explosive (!) Warren has lying around after swiping it from some thieves the night before (!!). Only Angel's desperate flight into the upper atmosphere under Xavier’s control saves the day.

This is where the distinction between Drake and Worthington becomes more than skin-deep. Faced with his failure (a failure that he could credibly have simply blamed entirely upon Xavier), Warren's immediate response is to confess that he has made a mistake, and to join the X-Men in order to better himself.

Up to this point, Angel could easily be written off as just an adrenaline junkie, a boy using his mutant wings to play super-hero. But to agree to overcome his own significant ego in order to serve as one amongst equals,and to obey the instructions of a man he has only just met, reveals a genuine commitment.

I hesitate to bring the parents back into one of these analyses again [2], but it’s hardly a stretch to suggest that this commitment to self-improvement (however esoteric the direction) is liable to be the sort of quality one might develop from having a coolly disciplined millionaire businessman for a father. Another, one might surmise, is the desire for control.

I don't think I'm exactly giving away a big secret when I remind people that one of the most basic ingredients of dramatic writing of any stripe is to identify what a character considers most important, and then remove it from them. Sometimes it’s an object, sometimes it’s a person, and sometimes it’s something more ethereal. In this case, I would argue, it is simple self-determination.

It should come as little surprise that Warren Worthington’s motivation is provided by nothing physical. After all, the guy’s a millionaire, he’s liable to have at best a hazy understanding of the word “irreplaceable”. Even women, at least in the early stages of his life, are something he works at until he either succeeds or fails, and in the case of the latter, he simply shrugs his shoulders and moves on. Warren’s attraction to Jean Grey it obvious from the moment they met, mainly because he deliberately makes it obvious. This briefly leads to conflict with Scott, cumulating with Cyclops accidentally wounding Warren during a fight with Kulkulcan [3].

Furious, Warren accuses Scott of deliberately attempting to rid himself of competition for Jean’s affections. It's a ludicrous charge, made when Angel was on the verge of delirium, but the other X-Men seem to view it at least as vaguely plausible. Had Warren continued to insist upon it, Summers very nature (see earlier rambling) would have been liable to force him to quit the team, and give Warren a clear run at Jean.

Instead, though, he retracts the charge and apologises the very next day, and then gives up pursuing Jean entirely when it became obvious Scott is her preference (again, compare with Bobby Drake, who still hasn’t given up on Lorna despite her choosing Havok instead at least three times now). There’s no bad feelings, no emo mooching, Angel just moves on with his life.

As laudable as Worthington’s behaviour may be (post-accusation, anyway) there may be more going on than is readily evident. This is where I get back to the point. Angel wants control. He needs control. In any situation where he feels things slipping away from him, he is liable to simply cut and run. The situation with Jean is one example. We see another example years later in his relationship with Psylocke, but that comes about only after a number of other events which should probably be considered first.

In order to keep control, Warren craves responsibility. Whenever the X-Men disband [4] Warren continues to live the life of a hero, not, like Drake, through lack of options (the man has a corporate empire to run, after all), but because he has already committed himself to the task. Not only does he continue to serve in super-teams, he funds them whenever necessary from his private fortune (by the time of Second Genesis, both of his parents have passed away). Ultimately this cumulates in Warren, along with Jean Grey, forging X-Factor, as they are unwilling to return to the X-Men since Xavier has put Magneto in charge.

The creation of X-Factor is interesting for two reasons. First, the tactics which Warren proposes (and with which none of the rest of the team are entirely comfortable) are very different (to say the least) from those employed by Xavier. The goal of X-Factor is to locate mutants and keep them safe, all well and good, but they intend to do it by posing as mutant hunters so as to use the public‘s own bigotry against them. It’s hardly possible to credit Professor X approving of such a game-plan, which of course in turn means Cyclops (the X-Man most people think of when discussing responsibility) would never have thought of the idea either. Whether or not it actually is a good idea is a discussion for another time [5] (short answer: fuck no), my point is simply that Warren saw a need (save mutants without the X-Men’s involvement), created a plan for it, financed it, and recruited his old friends, persuading them of the viability of the somewhat questionable operating strategy in the process. Naturally, as co-founder and benefactor, he got to call the shots. Responsibility and control.

This is highlighted again a few issues later, during the Mutant Massacre, when Warren’s then-girlfriend Candy Southern finds him embracing Jean (entirely innocently, or at least as innocent as such things can be when one party has a previously-admitted attraction) and runs out. Offered the chance to chase after her, Warren refuses, choosing instead to continue with the rescue of the Morlocks.

The second point of interest regarding X-Factor’s inception is the fact that Warren did not dream up the idea alone: he had help from his old roommate Cameron Hodge. It is Hodge’s betrayal that sets in motion a chain of dominoes that totally strips Warren of control not once, but twice, and in so doing changing him almost beyond recognition in more ways than one. Hodge turns out to be an undercover operative for the mutant-hating group The Right. When Angel gets his wings pinned by Harpoon during the Massacre, Cameron alters the resulting medical reports to state that amputation is the only option. Hodge then manages to manoeuvre himself into position as Warren’s beneficiary, thus potentially unlocking a vast fortune for The Right to avail themselves of.

It is then implied that suicide is exactly that option Angel takes once he awakens to find himself earth-bound. I say “implied” because we later discover Hodge sabotaged the plane. However, given that the plane explodes in mid-air during his attempt to fly “one more time“, there is some suggestion ending it all was most definitely on Worthington’s mind anyway. This coupled with the double loss he has suffered (his wings and the accompanying loss of control over a significant portion of his life) certainly gives plenty of evidence that Angel was at the very least dealing with suicidal thoughts, and quite possibly planned to crash his plane at the end of his journey. One last flight, and one last conscious decision.

Life, of course, has other plans. The mutant megalomaniac Apocalypse teleports him from the jet at the moment of the explosion. With some combination of brainwashing techniquwa and an offer to give Warren control over his existence once more, Apocalypse persuades him to become Death. Once again able to fly, albeit using metal, blade-firing wings that he cannot completely control, Worthington is only too happy to fight against his previous allies. Only being tricked into believing he has killed Iceman returns him to some semblance of his previous personality, causing him to turn against his new master.

After Apocalypse’s defeat, rather than rejoining X-Factor, Warren decides to seek out and kill Cameron Hodge, who has by now been revealed as a traitor. This ultimately leads to a confrontation in which Hodge murders Candy Southern, and Worthington responds by decapitating his treacherous friend with his razor-sharp wings.

This moment is probably the most obvious (and most serious) example of a problem that plagues Warren (who now returned to his comrades under the codename Archangel) for some time. Whenever he became sufficiently angry, his wings lash out without his obvious instruction. At first Warren assumes that this is a deliberate feature built into the wings by Apocalypse. On the other hand, it is clear even at the time that it more likely represents some kind of disassociate behaviour on Warren’s part. Angel has lost his original wings, been betrayed by his best friend and co-founder of X-Factor, been transformed into the living embodiment of Death and used to attack his friends, and finally having his girlfriend killed in front of him. Surely on a subconscious level Archangel wants to lash out against the world. With all his nobler aims thwarted, some dark recess of his mind must have chosen to regain some measure of control by simply trying to destroy anything that troubles him. [6] And ultimately, upon deciding to return to the tunnel where the Marauders pinned his original wings, he admits to himself that he had been in control of his new limbs all along.

From this moment forth Archangel begins to reclaim the control over his life that was denied to him for so long, even to the point of refusing to kill Apocalypse when he has the chance during The X-Cutioner’s Song. He would no longer be ruled by his failures, by his enemies machinations, or by his own darker urges.

Such rigid self-discipline does come without price. Never the most emotionally open of people, Archangel becomes even more reserved. To many this was written off as cold arrogance. Take this brief conversation with Bishop in UXM 300, for example:
“I have to tell you Bishop… I was not overly thrilled when the Professor invited you to join the X-Men.”
“Indeed? Here I thought you were cold, rude and dismissive to everyone.”
“I am. But that‘s another story.”
Perhaps it would be fairer however to view it as the combination of dedication and an unwillingness to leave himself open. Certainly the betrayal of his oldest friend makes such behaviour understandable, if not necessarily advisable or easy to tolerate. In this context his apparent conscious efforts to irk his teammates are revealed as simple attempts to ensure his continued isolation, whether or not he is aware of that fact himself.

Although several of the original X-Men have some success in wearing down Warren’s defences, arguably only Psylocke entirely succeeds. Doubtless this is partially down to his clear attraction to her, although this in itself is not unconnected to the obvious similarities between the two of them: children of millionaires transformed by powers beyond their control (in Psylocke’s case Slaymaster, Mojo, and The Hand, but more of that in her own entry). The similarities of their experiences and obvious mutual physical attraction lead to an intense relationship. Archangel takes arguably his first risk (excepting his repeated choice to put himself in harm‘s way) since his jet exploded: he allows someone else to become of great importance to him once again.

If something is important to a character, you take it away from them.

When Sabretooth stages his escape from Xavier’s mansion, where he has been imprisoned for some time, only Psylocke is nearby to attempt to stop him. For her efforts she is left almost eviscerated, all but dead. Thus begins a perilous journey into the magical realms by Archangel and Wolverine (finally attempting to work together, although Logan points out he’d probably have a better chance on his own) to save Psylocke. Terrified of losing his love, Warren fights through the pain of injuries he had suffered taking his revenge on Sabretooth, and risks both his life and possibly his last chance to see Betsy alive in order to expose the part of her soul he carries within him to the mystic powers of the Crimson Dawn. [7]

Doing so undoubtedly saves Psylocke’s life, but in a sense Warren begins to realise that he has lost her anyway. The Dawn changes Psylocke, giving her new powers but stripping her of some of her humanity. During this period of uncertainty and friction (also a time in which his metal feathers moult to reveal his original wings have grown back beneath) Warren once more becomes withdrawn and broody, wondering whether it would be best to just give up on the relationship himself before Psylocke can do it for him. Again we see him struggle to gain control of a situation in he has less influence in than he would like (at around this time, and possibly because of the increased difficulty in maintaining the relationship, Warren began to drift from the X-Men in favour of taking a more direct role in managing Worthington Industries). Ultimately, when Neal Sharra joins the team and Betsy begins to flirt with him, Angel breaks off their relationship, preferring to feel that it has been his choice, and not something forced upon him (he later admits that he has never been dumped in his life, because whenever he sees the way the wind is blowing, he makes damn sure he gets in there first).

He hopes that by doing this he can save face, and also in the hope that she will realise the mistake she has made. Tragically, though, not long afterwards Psylocke is killed by the villain Vargas. The loss hurts Warren deeply, and he continues to lose himself in the dealings of his company, bringing several abuses by underlings to light, including running a mutant brothel (Warren ends up helping one of the prostitutes, Stacey X, until she leaves in disgust when he does not return his affections) and funnelling money into Lobotech, a company run my mutant werewolves[8]. He eventually returns to the X-Men full-time, becoming de facto field-team leader once Kurt begins experiencing problems with being in charge. Once again he closes down, refusing to confide in anyone just how badly he is damaged.

It is during this mission to defeat the so-called “Dominant Species” (that would be the mutant werewolves to you and me) that Angel begins to feel an attraction for the somewhat younger Paige Guthrie (a.k.a. Husk). At first he attempts to keep her at arms length, not wanting to repeat his experience with Psylocke, but eventually he decides he cannot keep out everyone indefinitely.

Of course, this being Warren, this attempt to once again relinquish even a small measure of control is destined to run into problems. After a mission in which Paige is put in severe jeopardy, Angel breaks off their nascent relationship, fearing he cannot survive losing another woman to death. Once she angrily points out that it is her life to risk, though, he apologises, and they begin anew.

Whether or not this situation can last, or whether Warren will return to his old ways, remains to be seen, especially given the chaos that will inevitably blow up following Psylocke’s recent resurrection. Whatever happens, Warren could do far worse than to remember his own words after his split with Betsy, and her subsequent death:
“Certain phrases used to make me laugh. Most of them originated in California. ‘I have issues’ is one. ‘I feel your pain’ is another. ‘I need closure’ used to make me laugh hardest of all. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through a lot lately. Or maybe I’m just growing up. But those phrases don’t really make me laugh anymore.

“My name is Warren Worthington the Third. And my eyes are open for the first time.”

Next time: how you combine intellect, athleticism, bad jokes, and blue fur to create easily the best X-Man from the Sixties.

[1] This is from one of the few dozen issues of Uncanny X-Men I’ve yet to track down and read, so I couldn’t tell you why a genius intellect with mind-reading abilities would think that recruitment by home invasion was anything but a really, really shit idea.

[2] I‘m beginning to wonder if it reveals more about me than it does the X-Men, although given so far I’ve described martyr complexes, gigantic yet brittle egos, and the total inability to learn from one’s romantic mistakes, it’s entirely possible that the horse has left the barn anyway.

[3] I loved that guy. The reincarnation of an ancient Mesoamerican God, whose modest goals included restoring the extinct Mayan civilisation and helping them rule the globe. If nothing else, he didn‘t overlook the little things: “Already I have obtained many labourers… as well as armed police!”. This was back in the good old days, when super-villains were mental beyond belief. Maybe once I’m done with all the X-Men sometime next year (hah!) I shall move onto the bad guys. The world needs to be told about the motivations and idiosyncrasies of the Maha Yogi (chronic bed-wetter), Mekano (driven to insanity due to shoddy construction by evil children), and the Porcupine (voted for Hubert Humphrey by mistake).

[4] Or, on one occasion, after he quits in disgust over the others’ tolerance of Wolverine. It’s interesting to note that it was Wolverine’s total refusal to tow the line that caused Warren to leave. Was Logan simply one more chaotic element than Angel was able to handle?

[5] One of the most compelling aspects of X-Factor both in it’s early stages and during the Peter David re-boot was the overarching question as to how far you are willing to go in order to keep helping people. At first it was simply posing as bigots (and in the process validating bigotry). Later, it became government sponsorship and all the accompanying interference. What do you do when an explosive-collared Sabretooth gets delivered to your door with a note saying “Use this guy to hunt mutants, KTHNX”?

[6] It occurs to me that, much as I slammed Iceman last week for being petulant and immature, he’s the only one of the first four X-Men who doesn’t seem to have a problem with attempting to suppress their darker sides. Of course, when your darker side comes equipped with wings that can cut through steel, suppression is not necessarily a bad course of action.

[7] This shared experience thaws the relationship between them slightly, as Archangel begins to realise he has misjudged Wolverine. Of course, Warren being Warren, it’s another 110 issues before he admits his mistake and apologises for it.

[8] In-between Warren and his team battle Black Tom Cassidy, who has mutated into a sentient, partially-mobile tree. During this encounter Cassidy leeches life-force from Worthington, and in the process somehow returns his skin to its natural colour. Also, mutant werewolves? Running a company? I take it all back; at least occasionally, super-villains are still pretty much just batshit insane.

PS: Damn, looks like the only thing I took from yesterday's links was how to totally rip-off footnote presentation. At least it's something, I guess.

Let's See How Long This Lasts

So, as an exercise in self-discipline (hah!) and in the firm belief that constant writing both sharpens my skill-set (hah!) and stops me moping (h- you get the idea), I'm going to try and post something here every day from now onwards, at least until the 7th of September (the beginning of SpaceSquid In Exile month, which sounds faintly and pleasingly like a Marvel crossover event). Since I've spent most of today feeling crappy and the remainder of it having my head handed to me at badminton (playing Olympic rules will take some getting used to, though I imagine that has less to do with it than the fact I suck), I didn't really have energy to slap together anything particularly profound. Instead, I thought I'd offer the following two links.

Over here Chris Sims discusses the Joker, and over here Mightygodking investigates Lex Luthor. Much of the specifics are lost on me since I've read almost no DC in my life (with the obvious exception of Vertigo stuff), but both are very well-crafted, and provide some interesting tips on how to continue my own series on the X-Men.

Speaking of which, hopefully I should have Angel's article ready to upload tomorrow. After that, who knows? Maybe my shopping list, or something.

PS: Anyone with the time could do much, much worse than to bookmark Mightygodking. The man is both very smart and very funny (it's not every day someone quotes Paradise Lost in an article about comic books and it makes perfect sense). His photoshopped comics are particularly good (I don't even feel like I need to read the real Civil War after checking out his version); it's an idea I may well shamelessly steal at some point in the future, mainly because I think it will force me to get some practice in with my dialogue, which is definitely one of my writing weaknesses.

Today's Question

Presented for your consideration: the following video.



Now, obviously, the song is terrible. That's not really debatable. What I want to know is whether David Jordan's "dancing" is genuinely as hideously crappy as I think it is. Am I just too old now? Am I not with it because they've changed what "it" is? Or am I correct in my belief that trying to combine body-popping and martial art moves whilst looking like Prince after an afternoon in Abercrombie & Finch is just a really dumb idea?

Oh, and this is the guy who thinks pop stars have it tougher than nurses, doctors, and firefighters, so don't feel bad about ripping into him.

Compare And Contrast The Scary

This is pretty worrying: Russia reminds Poland it has lots of nukes.

And so is this, though for very different reasons: "Roy Orbison in clingfilm" fan fiction.

h/t to CK for the latter link.

SpaceSquid vs. The X-Men #3: The Big Chill

One of the most important unwritten laws regarding long-running comics is that you absolutely cannot get too caught up in considering timeframes. UXM has been in print almost continuously for forty-five years now. Despite this fact [1], and despite there being an issue with the X-Men celebrating Christmas pretty much every year, and despite them remarking on historical events from Reagan’s election to the New Millenium to 9/11, there is precious little evidence of any of the characters in the comic having aged at all.

Obviously, this is more a problem for some than others. Scott Summers, for example, exists in that nebulous late twenties/early thirties stage where specifics don’t really seem to matter. Others, like Jubilee, have only been around since the Nineties, which allows for slightly more suspension of disbelief at the fact she is still in her teens.

The glaring problem in all of this is Bobby “Iceman” Drake. A team member from the very beginning, ever since the onset of puberty awakened his mutant abilities, it’s pretty hard even by comic standards to swallow the idea that he has survived essentially unchanged across so many years.

And yet he has. Or so it would seem, at any rate. The wise-cracks, the temper-tantrums; were it not for the occasional progress in mastering his powers, one might assume Drake power to freeze his surroundings works just as well on his personality.

Once you look at this puzzle for long enough, though, you begin to realise that the infamously elastic nature of time in the Marvel Universe isn’t entirely to blame for Iceman seeming to be endlessly trapped in the throes of puberty. Bobby remains unchanged by the years almost entirely by choice.

Developing mutant powers was disastrous for Drake. First, it forced a wedge between him and his deeply conservative parents (particularly his bigoted father, who Drake would be unable to reach for half a decade, despite several attempts; but more on that later). Secondly, it cost him his girlfriend at the time, who refused to associate with a mutant even though he had only revealed his powers in order to save them from a brutal beating. Finally, it got him thrown in jail “for his own protection” (no-one has ever said that in comics and meant it) and on the crappy end of an angry mob.

The aforementioned lynch brigade was only stopped by the timely arrival of Professor Xavier and the then-named X-Man, Cyclops. In short order they dealt with the mob and persuaded Drake to join up. Not really sure what else to do (another point I’ll return to), he accepted their offer, and left his parents’ house so as to move into Xavier’s mansion.

Almost immediately (i.e. by the time we see Angel inducted into the group a little while later), Iceman has fallen into the behaviour that will define him for the next seven years/four and half decades (depending on your perspective); goofing around and cracking truly terrible jokes. One suspects that living with the sternly avuncular Xavier and ready-made elder brother Scott Summers made such a role seem entirely reasonable to Drake, and the later arrival of a condescending millionaire and the cerebral McCoy simply reinforced that position (though it’s worth noting that Beast shared at least some of Iceman’s proclivity towards tomfoolery). To Bobby, it seemed as though he was not only the youngest, he was also the least useful member of the team (Worthington seemingly compensating for limited powers with agility and grace). Iceman was not the X-Man to rely upon. He might happen to come up trumps in the middle of a fight (and whatever else he might be, Drake is certainly not a coward) but it would be a poor plan indeed that actually required him to do so.

This state of affairs lasted for quite some time, longer than perhaps it should have. Under Cyclops’ tutelage, Bobby managed some modest progress in mastering his power, but that was all. Then he met Lorna, green-haired mistress of magnetism and all round expression of hotness, and suddenly there was something more to life than pretending to be a snowman and hitting Hank with snowballs.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Lorna met Havok, and the rest is history (at least until the latter’s disappearance into another dimension at the start of Mutant X). Drake’s refusal to accept this turn of events allows another insight into his character. Coupled with his unwillingness to grow up, the situation with Lorna revealed a petulant refusal to accept any situation with jibed with his conviction regarding the way “things should be”. Any upset to that fantasy, and Drake is liable to kick off. Combined with his feelings of rejection over Lorna, the return of Xavier, thought dead but revealed to have been faking it to secure the survival of humanity, immediately prompts Iceman to quit the team in disgust. This foot-stamping streak occurs repeatedly over the next few years as Iceman signs up to and abandons team after team. Over what in comic terms must be only a few months, Iceman leaves the X-Men, joins and leaves the Champions, joins and leaves the Defenders, and returns to the X-Men only to walk out again to go to college, only to ultimately change to studying part-time and ultimately abandoning the idea completely in order to fight crime. Any set-back, any reminder that the universe according to Robert Drake isn’t really something the real world takes a great deal of interest in, or even any period in which he feels as though he’s not entirely comfortable with his situation, and Iceman packs it in and tries somewhere else. Often this reminder takes the form of a woman rejecting his advances; Lorna; Darkstar; Cloud [2], other times he fails his team-mates and leaves in shame. The precise impetus isn’t really the issue so much as the fact that it keeps happening, and that his constant desire to flee his problems rather than resolve them makes him entirely prepared to return to those he has already abandoned the instant some new disaster replaces the memories of older ones. [3]

This difficulty in accepting changes or setbacks makes him frequently the most unwelcoming to new additions to the team roster, to the point where he tells Nightcrawler (blissfully ignorant of the accompanying insult) that only the original five are X-Men, and everyone else is just a “Johnny-Come-Lately”. With the first members, Drake had a clearly defined role, but the endlessly shifting line-up brings with it real danger that he will have to fend for himself, or worse, shoulder some kind of responsibility.This fear of accepting trust and duties spills over into the development of his powers. Over the years since Xavier first recruited him, Bobby has made a number of steps forward in the strength of his mutant gift, but each and every time these advances have been suggested or more often imposed by others. Loki captured him and amplified his powers, to the point where Drake spent some time having to wear an inhibitor belt in order to remain in control. The fact that eventually he could do without this device and that ultimately he became far more powerful than even Loki had realised implies that, once again, the belt was there, not to save Iceman from himself, but to prevent him from having to face a situation that was changing too quickly for him to handle. Not long afterwards, Mikhail Rasputin also shows him how far he lags behind his potential, which leads to a brief period of experimentation before once again inertia and immaturity again kick in.

Some time later, the White Queen possesses Iceman’s body, and uses it to perform feats that Drake had never considered possible. In the aftermath, he begins to experiment with his abilities, but very quickly requests that Storm plays tutor (“Both of us have similar element-wielding powers”). Ororo commends him for moving at his own pace (as well as insisting he treat the situation seriously), but given his history one wonders whether involving Storm represented anything other than an attempt to make someone else responsible for his development. Mere days later, Drake’s chest is shattered battling Onslaught’s herald, Post, and his immediate response is to run to the White Queen, demanding that she help him to repair his torso. Frost’s response is to telepathically confront him with his own insecurities, to make him finally realise that some things, one must do alone. After this revelation, and after fixing his own wounds, Drake at last begins to show some signs of growing up. Even this, though, he subconsciously undercuts. Whether offering advice to younger X-Men like Cannonball or operating alone (rescuing Cecilia Reyes from Prime Sentinels during Operation: Zero Tolerance, for example), Drake spends every free minute reminding himself that he isn’t supposed to be the guy you depend on, that his job is to tell jokes and have someone else tell him what to do. Upon discovering the onset of a secondary mutation (something which almost invariably renders a mutant vastly more powerful, though not always to the benefit of their looks) his immediate reaction is to hide it away, to pretend it isn’t happening. This ultimately leads to Annie Ghazikhanian branding him as little better than a racist, someone happy to hang out with mutants as long as he can still look like he’s human. He takes this criticism badly, and perhaps justifiably so, since his problem is actually something else entirely. He doesn’t want to look human per se, he wants to look the same as he always has done.

In fact, this is far from the biggest problem Annie has caused Drake. Having realised his feelings for Lorna have returned (or more likely never gone away) Iceman is once more forced to watch as she fawns over Alex, apparently unaware as to how much less receptive he is than before, having secretly fallen in love with Annie as she nursed him back to health following his return to this reality. Perhaps sensing something is wrong, Lorna proposes to Alex (who is loudly congratulated by Beast before he has time to actually respond). Annie, who entirely reciprocates Alex’s feelings, is as distraught over the impending wedding as Bobby is, which leads to a very brief affair that ends when Havok confesses on his wedding day that his true feelings are for his former nurse. Needless to say, losing first Lorna, then Annie (and later, Lorna again) to Havok is more than Drake can bear. He lashes out at Havok for constantly “stealing” his women, woefully failing to understand why exactly these women consider Alex the better bet, that perhaps with all else equal, perhaps the perpetual teenager shtick fares less well than that of a man with the desire to accept responsibility, rather than stare at himself in a mirror (Lorna somewhat brutally sums it up on her hen night: “You don’t sleep with Bobby, you endure him“). Naturally, whilst the whole experience is clearly traumatic for Bobby, there is no indication whatsoever that he learns from it in any remotely meaningful way.

Of course, Drake’s romantic history, as mentioned, has been disastrous without exception. His dalliance with Infectia (whom McCoy warned him against to no avail) eventually ended up with Beast being turned back to his blue furry state. Recently Iceman struck up a somewhat twisted relationship with Mystique, a woman both old enough to be his mother (and the mother of his much older sibling) and a murderous terrorist, only to be betrayed (though Mystique admits that due to their involvement he is the only X-Man besides Rogue she wouldn’t just murder without warning) [4]. The closest to success he has come is likely with Opal Tanaka, with “success” here being defined as “relationship lasting long enough for him to totally screw it up himself”. By his own admission Tanaka left him because he was too self-absorbed to recognise what they had together. Before that, however, he had taken her home to meet his parents, perhaps hoping that an overt display of something as normal as “a relationship” might go some way to overcoming his father’s problem with him being a mutant. If we learn anything from the resulting cluster-fuck, it’s that a freak is unlikely to win back the love of a whitebread bigot by showing up with a Japanese girlfriend in tow [5]. Once again we see the narrow parameters Drake was given by his parents, the horribly restrictive set of circumstances they allowed him to consider acceptable. Little wonder Iceman has such little desire to change quickly, or that he never seems comfortable with his situation. How can he, when it is his very nature which his father objects to. Later, the two find a modicum of peace when Drake Sr. stands up to the bigoted Creed Presidential Campaign, and nearly pays for it with his life. This revelation clearly helps Drake, but the resulting damage done to his father in a savage beating means Bobby is often too busy keeping Drake Sr. well to commit too much time to his comrades in the X-Men.

Recently he seems to have returned full-time to the X-Men. He lost his powers on M-Day, only to find out that the problem lay in a self-inflicted subconscious block, rather than Scarlet Witch’s reality manipulation. Perhaps, even after all these years, and even managing reconciliation with his father, Drake still on some level longs to return to the way things were, when he was normal enough for his parents to love him, and he didn’t spend his life playing catch-up to older, better mutants, who are not too self-conscious to strive for change.

Next time: Angel reminds how much easier it is to be a control freak when you're a multi-millionaire. At least until someone breaks off your wings, anyway.

[1] As a rough (very rough) guide, X-Universe time is around six times slower than ours, meaning Xavier gathered his original team together something like seven and a half years ago.

[2] In fairness, the Cloud thing fell apart because she kept turning into a man, which is a level of complication in a relationship which excuses pretty much any bad calls a person might make in response.

[3] There are few more obvious examples of this than Iceman visiting his ex-girlfriend Zelda (who he broke up with through excessive non-phoning rather than by any actual conversation) in order to complain about his situation with Lorna. Whatever happens to be bothering Drake at any given time is "the big thing", and all other considerations (including previous “the big things") fail to register.

[4] As idiotic as Drake’s decision to allow Raven Darkholme to seduce him might have been, it did lead to one of my favourite Iceman quotes in history as he baits her as he waits for her to kill him:
“I was going to ask you how you live with yourself. But that‘s the wrong question, isn‘t it?”
“Is it Robert? Why is that?”
“Because I don’t think you even know who you are anymore. You‘re not scheming. Working to a plan. You‘re just… rabid.”

[5] Things went just as badly when Bobby visited his parents once again a few years later, this time with Rogue in tow. His father immediately (and incorrectly) assumed a romantic relationship between them, and proved even more offensive than before. After which, to no-one’s surprise, Iceman responded by running away (specifically to Seattle on a road trip with Rogue).

What's Good For Goose

Publius has an excellent article over at Obsidian Wings about how one of the many, many problems with American Exceptionalism is that there's an equivalent phenomenon in any country of sufficient influence. For every hawkish dolt like Bill Kristol convinced that the US is the bestest country ever and can thus do what it wants with impunity, there's some Russian equally convinced that Russia is the greatest nation of Earth and can do whatever it damn well feels like. It's one of those interesting phenomena that it never seems to occur to rabid nationalists that their ludicrous bellicosity on behalf of their own nation is morally equivalent to (and just as potentially dangerous as) other rabid nationalists' ludicrous bellicosity on behalf of their nation.

Or, to put it another way, American Exceptionalism is entirely unexceptional.

A New Experience

A brief round of applause for Namco, for being the first company in history to create a game which accurately simulates Yoda beating a S&M hooker to death.