Thursday, 30 September 2010

(Don't) Give Me One Vision


I've never really understood why so many people love Alan Davis. At best, I think he's a slightly above average artist, and one who has failed to develop much for quite some time, but it's the respect people have for his stories that baffles me.

Admittedly, this is probably at least in part because I first came across him during his tenure on Uncanny X-Men and X-Men. It seemed obvious to me that writing both books and drawing one of them was too great a workload (his artwork was more impressive when he wasn't writing the books as well), and his run is generally considered a disappointment. "He wasn't a good fit", as Chris B told me yesterday.

Of course, I wasn't disappointed, or at least not in Davis himself (I was certainly disappointed in other respects). I couldn't be, I hadn't seen him in action during the alleged golden era of Excalibur he reigned over.

So, this week I sat down and read the first volume of Excalibur Visionaries: Alan Davis (an example of Marvel hyperbole that might be enough to make even Stan Lee blush), to see if I could work out what all the fuss was about.

Turned out: I couldn't. Well, kind of. Davis is certainly faithful to the original direction of the book, which as I've mentioned before seemed to spring into being entirely as a way for Chris Claremont to indulge his dimension-hopping pseudo-fairy-tale side, so that the actual X-Men proper could get on with being X-Men, without having to stop every ten minutes to listen to Kitty Pryde blather on about mystical kingdoms thick with "bamfs". The split allowed at least this one X-fan to breathe a sigh of relief, even if the bamfs were genuinely cute as all hell:

Excalibur is no less lunatic. Within the first issue, their lighthouse base has been blown to pieces by a militant canary suicide bomber who talks like Tweety Pie (his name? "Hard-Boiled Henry", though naturally he pronounces it "Henwy"). Every plot line involves either what Davis believes constitutes British mysticism (despite being English himself, Davis' first nine issues on the title make very little real use of the setting, beyond a few insider references, such as naming somewhere after Walmington-On-Sea) or a ridiculous cross-dimensional set-up. Or both. Terrible puns abound. An issue in which Captain Britain is (briefly) put on trial by the Captain Britain Corps is named "Witless For The Prosecution". An Iron Man and Punisher from a universe in which the dominant life forms are lizards are called "Dino Steel" and - and this is painful to write - "Punisaur".

Even when the action gets going, and the Anti-Phoenix and Necrom show up to destroy, well, everything, there's still time for Captain Britains on motorbikes and unicycles (the former sprouting the world's least convincing Brooklyn accent). I have to admit, some of these jokes are actually so bad they're good, or so incongruous I laughed out loud in sheer surprise.

The problem is that the book keeps undercutting itself. It is notoriously difficult to write something which needs to be both funny and project a sense of risk and not have the two elements work against each other (see posts 1 through 376 477 of my series "Fuck off, Russell T Davies"). Davis can't manage the trick. The result is a mildly diverting, sporadically amusing romp of no real substance, even in a nine-issue arc that's building to a threatened apocalypse.

I don't mean to sound too down on it. It's a very '80s book, with all that entails, and on that level it more or less works. Interestingly, though, these issues are from 1991 and 1992. I can't help but wonder how much of the love old hands profess for this run has to do with the book in isolation, and how much of it comes down to Excalibur's defiant silliness acting as a respite from all the ludicrous muscle-flexing and blood-letting that was creeping into the other X titles. In an era where Rob Liefeld could destroy one of the twin towers without pausing for thought, I can see how the (by modern standards) lightweight Excalibur would come as a welcome relief. I wonder how many people actually read Excalibur without reading at least one other mutant-related book, actually, and whether it genuinely could stand on its own rather than as aside.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

I LIVE!

Hurrah! After almost two months, I have finally pushed the correct buttons and pulled the necessary levers to gain access to the internet from my PC, rather than simply my laptop.

Hopefully the posting schedule should return to what is was in the first half of the year, even when I'm not spending the whole week sitting around at home watching horror films and eating Super Noodles.

Hollywood Algebra: Pandorum


Pandorum
=
(The Descent - caves) x Dead Space x (Pitch Black - Vin Diesel + Randy Quaid)
=
Something that seems new despite being spectacularly not, and perfectly good fun despite being spectacularly obvious.

(I do wish they'd called it "Panjandrum", though. It's not like "Pandorum" makes any more sense as the name of a deep-space psychological condition. Plus, if if was the former, the symptoms would presumably have less to do with mass murder, and more to do with dressing like the Emperor of Lilliput.)

An Autumn's Distraction

Complaining about OK Go yesterday reminded me that it's been a good four months since our last "first lines" quiz, and that I hadn't put up answers to either of the last two. This has now been rectified. Once again, these are listed according to what I consider their degree of obscurity, and no artist appears in the list more than once.

To arms, my loyal peasants!

1. "Take a boat to England baby, maybe to Spain." Simon and Garfunkel - Blues Run The Game (Jamie)

2. "Staggering home, the headlights throw a shadow up and upon." Madness - Lovestruck (Mozz)

3. "Show me show me show me how you do that trick." The Cure - Just Like Heaven (Mozz)

4. "Sail away with me honey, I put my heart in your hands." David Gray - Sail Away (Jamie)

5. "I sit at my table and wage war on myself." R.E.M. - World Leader Pretend (Mozz)


6. "When I think of heaven, deliver me in a black winged bird." Counting Crows - Rain King (Jamie)

7. "Pistols of fire, pistols of fire, pistols of fire, shatter the frame." Kings Of Leon - Pistols Of Fire (wils)

 8. "If it weren't for your maturity none of this would've happened." Alanis Morissette - Hands Clean (Mozz)

9. "Waking up at the start of the end of the world." Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come


10. "Dearest constellation, heaven surroundin' you, stay there soft and blue." Foo Fighters - Virginia Moon (wils) 


11. "Your sorry eyes cut through the bone, they make it hard to leave you alone." Beck - Lost Cause

12. "I woke up on the wrong side of the floor." Green Day - Uptight (Jamie)

13. "Wrap me in always, and drag me in with maybes." Smashing Pumpkins - Thru The Eyes Of Ruby (JJ)


14. "I've got a dying urge to feel the way you do." Alkaline Trio - Continental


15. "It felt cold inside, so we threw the radio onto the fire." Idlewild - The Bronze Medal (Nadia)

16. "I love New York City, I love New York City." Andrew WK - NYC


17. "It covers the roadways, it covered the hillsides." Midlake - It Covers The Hillsides (Jamie)

18. "Bad news if he could choose, would he refuse to be the bearer?" The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Bad News And Bad Breaks

 
19. "I drive a truck, it carries money, and every day I dream up my fantasies." Stereophonics - Everyday I Think Of Money (Mozz)

20. "I've been a desperate man, I've been sheltered by a lonely dream." Ryan Adams - Hallelujah

21. "Here come Monday mornin', life is open wide." The Presidents of the USA - Shortwave

22. "Drums come out of boredom baby, UN exports it everyday." The Manic Street Preachers - Another Invented Disease

23. "Thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon." Bird York - In The Deep

24. "Romeo got married on the 5th of July, in Our Lady of Immaculate Dawn." Josh Ritter - Harrisburg

25. "I will find a way to get to you someday." Cracker - Shake Some Action

 
Seventeen bands (edit: eighteen, sorry) and seven solo artists. 18 quotes are from Americans, 3 from Englishmen, 2 from the Welsh, and one each hail from Canadian and Scottish sources. Two of the lines are sung by women, and four include the name of the track within them (a fifth comes pretty close).

44% remains, as always, the score to beat. Get to work. And sorry about the "peasants" thing.

Update: Up to 52%. Your best score to date. But there's still some easy fruit for plucking.

Update II: And now a mighty 56%!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

I'd Genuinely Rather Just Hear Them Barking

Back in February I complained about "OK Go Syndrome", a hideous disease that strikes bands down in their prime (well, "prime") following a hit video and forces them to care more and more about the visuals and less and less about the accompanying, y'know, song.

Can I just say: case closed.



Seriously, I saw this video for the first time ninety minutes ago, and already I can't remember a single lyric, note or beat. At all. All I remember is a whole bunch of doggies doing lovely doggy things (though the band has gotten to the point where they can't manage single-take, single-camera routines anymore; what is it they say about working with children and animals?)

So, yeah, the disease is presumably entering its final stages. Still, doggies!

If God Will Send His Agents (At A Snail's Pace)


I was originally inclined towards giving Legion a bad review, on the grounds that it's a lunatic mess of a film; amusing when it thinks it's scary, irritating when it thinks it's touching, and confusing when it thinks it's, well, anything else.

On reflection, though, I think I'm being unfair. Legion only fails if you assume it was intended to be a piece of entertainment. Not an unrealistic proposition, I grant you. In Legion's case, though, it fails to convince. The only way to make any sense from the film at all is to work from the assumption that it's some kind of twisted experiment to discover exactly how much an audience can take before they break.

How else can we explain a film so totally devoid of internal logic. A film which relies entirely on the idea that it will take an archangel quite some time to fly to Earth before contradicting that ten minutes later in any case. A film in which an army can trap the woman they want dead in a remote diner next to a gas station and never think to blow it up which is exactly what happens at the end anyway. An army, by the way, that sends an old woman as advance guard to ruin the element of surprise and then a man in an ice-cream van forty seconds ahead of the horde because, well, why exactly? The other angels thought he was a dick, I guess? Why does it take them the whole film to take over one diner patron when they can possess a cop in just enough time to rip off The Matrix and Twin Peaks at the same time?

I don't even want to talk about Gabriel's rotating tin angelo-cock substitute.

So, don't see it as a film. See it as a noble sacrifice. Dozens of careers brutally ended to allow each and every one of us our own break-point. It might be watching an old woman climbing across the ceiling. It might be watching a man get crucified upside down by angels. It might even be realising that this is a film released this year in which the two black characters are "bad boy" and "God fearer" (naturally, the latter has to have a heart to heart with the former to encourage him to repent) and the three female characters are a teenager and pregnant child who need to be protected, and a shrew of a woman who turns out to be crazy/evil. Who can say?

Monday, 27 September 2010

The Truth About Cats And, Er, Kittens

Dammit! Should really be preparing for interviews and such, but instead I'm watching the ludicrousness of confusing necessary but arbitrary distinctions with fundamental moral principles exposed by singing kitty cats!



Heh heh heh. I am going to Hell.