The scene: a board meeting for St Helier Cider Corporate Headquarters.
CEO: Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the shit.
Mook #1: Sir, there are no ladies here, sir.
CEO: What about that one? That's a woman, surely. Or possibly Colin Farrell.
Mook #1: That's Agent Edmunds, sir.
CEO: What the Hell has he done to his hair?
Edmunds: This is how we wear it in St Helier now.
Edmunds: We've had to put taxes on scissors and shampoo.
CEO: What was I saying?
Mook #2: We are in the shit.
CEO: We are in the shit. Business is going tits-up! No-one has the money to spend on pear cider anymore. People are just drinking the antifreeze from their cars and hoping the weather warms up. We need a new angle. A new gimmick. Any suggestions?
Mook #1: A new flavour?
CEO: Can't afford one. Do you know how long it would take to set up the brewing process for a whole different type of fruit?
Mook #2: We could just add flavoring.
CEO: Paugh! Who would fall for such cheap chicanery?
Mook #1: Idiot teenagers?
CEO: I like your thinking! But idiot teenagers don't drink cider unless it has a lightning bolt on the side and comes in plastic bottles. Too busy with those damn alco-pops.
There is a pause.
Mook #2: What if we flavoured the cider with alco-pops?
CEO: You're a genius, witless flunky! We can just take near empty vats of pear cider and then fill them up with Blue WKD! That way not only will it taste of sugar mixed with alcohol, it will be a crayzee colour that the kids are bound to dig. Er, get down with. On. Fo' shizzle.
Mook #1: Won't it taste a bit odd? Why not just replace the cider entirely?
CEO: And compromise our standards?
Mook #1: I'm fired, aren't I?
CEO: Let's just say it might be wise to start broadening your CV. You can start by taking this penknife and this bottle of Windowlene, and take Edmunds somewhere private. I just wish I had some pan-scrubs to hand.