Friday, 30 April 2010

Shake The Vote #3

Ugh. Even the very thought of this shake made my blood freeze with horror. But because I care about you, my readers, each and every one of you, I will complete this three-part series. Do not forget this!

Today's shake: (Dairy Milk) Caramel Cameron

Taste: 8
Texture: 8
Synergy: 8
Scorn: 3
Associated Political Loathing: 9
Total Score: 6.4

General Comments: I was all set up to loathe this. As I sat drinking the shake, unable to taste much of anything but faintly chocolatey milk, forever unable to get to the good stuff due to the sinister sunken lumps that clogged the bottom of my straw, I thought I had this shake figured out. My head was filled with potential political parallels. "It's both too similar to what's gone before and too potentially dangerous", I would say. "Those things that lurk in the background" - or do I mean the backbench? Huh? Perhaps? - "Will choke you of what you have earned, or need, or have come to expect". The analogy would be perfect. The prose would be tight. I would massacre my enemy. I would be erudite and witty. Plus, someone, at some point, would be referred to as a "prick".

Alas, it was not to be. The damn shake is too good. Not for most of its short life, you understand, that really is just like sucking milk through a malfunctioning straw. But the end. Oh, the end, my friends! The Taiwanese make a drink known as "pearl milk tea", which is essentially black tea mixed with tiny globules made from tapioca and carrageenan powder. I can't really recommend it, but it was billed to me as "a drink and a snack in one", and so it proved, the near-total pointlessness of said snack notwithstanding. This is kind of the same thing, only instead of tea it's ice-cream and instead of tasteless blobs of fat it's giant hunks of caramel, cooled by the ice-cream to the point where they are almost crunchy.

If that kind of "happy ending" doesn't appeal to you, then I would suggest you are reading the wrong blog. And using the wrong form of taste-receptors on your tongue. Or are just so entirely dead to joy that even I think you need to lighten up a little. In any event, you are wrong, and everyone hates you. This shake, quite simply, rocks.

If only it wasn't dedicated to a feckless, slimy prick.

Oh, look at that. I got there after all...

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