So last night I'm carpetbagging in Seaham, right, and everything's pretty quiet and I'm not really paying any attention, and suddenly C drops a bombshell: Shakeaholic are offering Election Specials.
How can I, a man addicted to both politics (albeit only the interesting bits) and dairy products (except for yoghurt, which I really don't get) resist such a thing? Time, I tell myself, to get back in the saddle.
Here's the thing, though: C is a liar. Or a fool. Or a foolish liar. Or a coelacanth. Well, probably not that last one. Shakeaholic disavows any knowledge of such a scheme. Shakeaway - Durham's obviously unnecessary alternative shake venue - does have such a promotion, but their so-called "specials" are a disgraceful assortment of unrelated ingredients. Where was the Caramel Cameron I was promised? The Chocolate Brownie Brown (£10 says that's what the kids at Brown's primary school called him until anyone got around to teaching them the word "shite")? Most importantly, how was I to acquire my Creme Egg Clegg (it was suggested to me that Snickers Creme Clegg would work even better, but I think the peanuts might be an issue), complete with yellow cup? How was the hoi polloi of Durham to know what my milkshake selection said about me as a person?
There was nothing for it but to order a creme egg shake, and spend my time alternating between sips of shake and loudly calling all non-liberals tossers. Those who have spent time with me during former TSE-dedicated lunchtimes will recognise this ritual as "business as usual".
On, then, to the shake itself. In deference to the political statement one makes with one's choice of such a beverage, I have added an extra category: political scorn. This is liable to drag down otherwise fine shakes, of course, but one can simply remove the relevant value from the list in order to extrapolate the quality of an equivalent shake free of political endorsement.
Today's shake: Creme Egg Clegg
Associated Political Loathing: 6
Total Score: 7.4
General Comments: Well, it's basically just a McDonald's Creme Egg McFlurry, only slightly less overpriced. Which is to say: it's motherfucking awesome on sale. It's a good job I was voting for Clegg's lot in any case, because this would probably have swung it for me.