Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Vital Booze Update

The Other Half and I haunted a small beer festival at the weekend, and on this occasion I managed not to lose my increasingly illegible, burger-grease-smeared notes in the process.

A quick appraisal of the delights on offer, then.  Ahem.

1. Yorkshire Blond (Osset Ossett Brewery). "A lager-like beer." I shall hand over reviewing duties to the Other Half: "If I wanted to drink flat lager seasoned with fag-ends, I'd have stayed in Stockton-on-Tees this weekend."

2. White Sea (Newby Wyke). "A pale beer with grapefruit and citrus." This time the flat lager is untroubled by a fag-butt aftertaste.  Somewhat depressing that this constitutes progress. Can taste the citrus, at least, though I wasn't sure why I was supposed to care.

3. Lincolnshire (Skidbrooke Cyder Co.). "A sophisticated mellow character." This is utterly undrinkable. It tastes like you're swigging back diluted ethanol whilst hanging around Ambassador Kosh's quarters.

"How will this end?"
"With a kebab. Of scampering."

4. Bushels Kentish Cider (Biddenham). "Sweet, still, strong cider."  Ding ding ding! We have a winner.  This is clear and light and, as advertised, sweet.  It's almost a perry, and how can that be a bad thing? The answer is IT CANNOT! Call off the search!

Wait!  We still have five more beer tokens.  Resume the search!

5. Heck's Farmhouse Cider (Hecks.)  You know that burnt-orange quasi-crack stuff they dust over BBQ Pringles to make them so moreish?  Imagine covering oak branches with it instead, and then liquidising the results.  Then making me drink that.

Heck's is a little bit worse than that sounds.

6. Expresso Stout (Dark Star). "A black beer brewed with roasted barley malt and challenger hops... ground Arabica coffee beans... are added".  The shittiest coffee imaginable, stirred into the shittiest beer imaginable.  The Other Half really liked it though, and in the interests of science I'd be prepared to try it again, as long as milk and sugar had been added.

7. Navelgazer (Orchard Pig). Tastes like water drunk from a condom.

8. Jaipur IPA (Thornbridge Brewery). "Citrus dominated." Existed as a drink.  No further comments.

9. Boxing Dog (Mr Whitehead's Cider Co.) A serviceable scrumpy, moderately refreshing, but slightly bland, like cold diet lemonade on a hot day, or a blowjob from a particularly struggling asthmatic.

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