Sunday, 9 December 2012

"Are They Called That Because They 'Pre-Date' Humanity?"


Courtesy of Channel 4 I finally caught Predators last night (thus bringing me up to speed with the increasingly out-of-control Aliens/Predators franchise), and I must confess, I'm baffled the film didn't receive a warmer welcome than it did.

There's no doubt in my mind - absolutely none - that it's a significantly better film than Predator (which in turn places it above Predator 2 and both Alien vs Predator movies, of course).  It's faster and better-paced, for a start.  There's obviously no way it'll ever win any awards for characterisation, of course, but that's hardly a mortal wound to a film like this.  Indeed, it does almost as well with fleshing out the 'grunts', and far, far better with the central character.  And yes, whilst the best I can really say about Adrien Brody here is that he's not quite as miscast as I'd originally assumed (it would be very interesting to see some alternate-universe copy of the film which switches Brody and Laurence Fishburne around), he's still twenty times more convincing as a hard-bitten military killer than Schwarzenegger managed, if only because hard-bitten military killers can generally speak without sounding like they're reading from cue cards.

As far as I can see, there's only really two major criticisms to be hurled at the film.  One is that an average 80s action movie with one good idea is actually superior to a slightly-above average 21st century action movie with plenty of good ideas based on that 80s idea, because at least Predator is of its time.  There's a lot of things to say both in defence of an in objection to that idea, but for now I'll just say that half of that argument could apply to anything one might be tempted to slap the term "retro" in front of, which seems to me a mistake, and the second half of that argument would force one to conclude that Alien is superior to Aliens.  Which, in fairness, a lot of people claim.  All of them are wrong.

Indeed, the Predators is to Predator as Aliens is to Alien comparison can take us further, and not because of the similarity of pluralisation and the (fulfilled) promise of multiple critters (and even critter types) it implies. This gets us to the second plausible avenue of criticism, which is that both Predators and Aliens start off with fantastic central mysteries that the audience already know much of the motivation behind.  This isn't so serious a problem for Cameron's sequel, because the scenes preceding the reactor battle are focussed on Ripley's mounting Cassandra-like dread and the implicit horrors that have gone on at Hadley's Hope.  With Predators, though, you have a bunch of people who have never met wake up in free-fall having been kidnapped from various places across the world, and who find themselves on an alien planet surrounded by empty and very large cages.

That's a cracking set-up, right there, that only gets better as the protagonists piece together what's going on whilst dodging death-traps and alien beasts.  Once the unseen threat starts using the voices of their own dead to both lure and taunt them, you've got a genuinely solid slice of sci-fi with a nice dash of horror.  It's a real shame that the whole way through you know that a bunch of Predators are going to show up and start taking skulls.

In short, then, you have what's not far from being the paragon of any film based around the Predator.  The only problem the film genuinely suffers from is that this is just too low a ceiling, and in trying its best to break out of those limitations, it really only succeeds in making you wonder what it could have managed by playing it's own world, rather than borrowing someone else's.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Completely Unacceptable National Telephone Service

BT must have been delighted when Deepwater Horizon exploded and pumped millions of gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico.  Not because they hate seagulls (though who doesn't?), but because for a couple of months, the UK's foremost telephone provider got to only be the second worst company in the world with the word "Britain" in their names.

In the two months and dozen-odd phonecalls since I first let BT know I was moving house, they have:
  1. Forced me to wait a week so that they could "correct the code" on my new house, which was listed in the wrong county.
  2. Failed to disconnect my previous phone-line despite being told - twice - when I was leaving.
  3. Charged me for the seventeen day period between my leaving and getting their shit together.
  4. Billed me £130 for a new landline despite assuring me I would get free installation in exchange for extending my contract.
  5. Cancelled the installation of that new landline last week without telling me.
  6. Left me on hold for half an hour whilst they tried to find out why they'd cancelled, for which they still haven't been able to find a reason.
  7. Told me the next available installation date wouldn't be until the 16th of January.
  8. Told me they could arrange an earlier visit than that, only to tell me they in fact can't, and never could, because early visits are only for emergencies, not clearing up their own mistakes.
  9. Promise to have a complaints handler phone me to help with my problem, who didn't phone on the day promised.
  10. Told me I might be able to get the money BT owes me as a discount on later bills, rather than actually reimbursing me - if indeed I get it back at all.
  11. Hung up on me twice whilst I've been trying to sort this all out.
  12. Refuse to give me free access to the BT wi-fi service I'm in the catchment area for.
It's that last one that's really enraging.  They know they've screwed up, they know there's a way to give me at least some of what they promised to deliver whilst they sort out their mistakes, and they just won't do it.

UPDATE: Fifteen minutes after I posted this, BT rang back to tell me they've given in on points 10 and 12.  So that's definite progress, at least.

"'Gainst The Dragons Of Anger, The Ogres Of Greed..."

Once again SpaceSquid serves up a delicious dish from yesteryear, the oddly blood-soaked hack-n-slash Moonstone: A Hard Day's Night.

I adored this game as a kid, which since I didn't own it meant I taxed my friends's patience to the limit by constantly demanding we play it whenever I was over at their place (sometimes we seemed to be the only middle-class family in the county to lack an Amiga).  Playing it some eighteen years on, I'm amazed I ever thought it particularly difficult (there are basically nine types of opponent to face, and you just have to remember which tactic works best against each one), but it's still an awful lot of fun to carve your way through Baloks, Troggs (who look like ratmen) and Ratmen (who look like Critters).  Plus you get to slay the occasional dragon.  What's not to love?

A Tale Of Cocktails #33

Metropolitan
.
Ingredients
.
1 1/2 oz vokda
1 1/2 oz Chambord
1 1/2 oz cranberry juice
1 1/2 oz orange juice
2 cranberries
lemon wedge
caster sugar
.
Taste: 4
Look: 8        
Cost: 8  
Name: 9
Prep: 7
Alcohol: 4
Overall: 6.4

Preparation: Run the lemon wedge around the edge of the glass and then frost with caster sugar.  Shake ingredients with ice.  Strain, garnish with cranberries, and serve.
 .
General Comments: Man, that's a lot of trouble to go to to get a drink that tastes like muddy orange juice.  It doesn't help that I don't like vodka, but the real issue here is that both the Chambord (ounce for ounce the most expensive ingredient I've used yet) and the cranberry are buried far too low in the mix.  This is basically an expensive screwdriver with some weird, unidentifiable twist.

Looks great, though (if you ignore the crap in the edges of that photo; the Other Half and I don't have much in the way of free space right now), and even given my allergy to DC I have to admit the name rocks.  I shall have to try this again with less vodka.  Or possibly with gin.  You can't go wrong with gin.

Monday, 3 December 2012

D CDs #494: Searching For New MGMT


Oh, dear God in heaven; no.

There is simply no way anyone with functioning mechanoreceptors could consider this the 494th best album ever recorded.  You remember that bit in The Insider when Jeffrey Wigand explains how tobacco companies described a cigarette as "a delivery system for the nicotine"?  This disc is the delivery system for "Time To Pretend".  Which, admittedly, is a phenomenally good slice of music - Rolling Stone places it as the 493rd best song of all time, and I have no intention of arguing with that - but since alternative delivery systems for it include just downloading the damn thing, I'm not sure what purpose the full LP really serves.

OK, I'm being slightly unfair.  This isn't an album with just one great song.  It's an album with two great songs ("Kids" may be no "Time To Pretend", but the combination of dark lyrics and that awesome ascending synth line is tasty enough even before you get to the sublime middle eight), alongside one competent one ("Electric Feel", which combines wigged-out panpipes with one of the best funk basslines ever written by a white guy).

Elsewhere, though, everything falls apart.  One can admire the invention in tracks like "Weekend Wars", which features so many shifts in structure that it makes the ADHD punk-rock of mid-period Biffy Clyro sound like a single organ chord held down for forty-five minutes.  But what's the point of all this dervish-like activity if none of it is particularly good?  If all your fiddling around with genres and approaches (and relying more on Grandaddy than I've seen anyone admit) leads you to a second rate knock-off of Queen's "Innuendo" like "4th Dimensional Transition", isn't it worth reconsidering what exactly you're hoping to get out of your recording contract?

Basically, you can divide this album up into thrilling gut-punches and insufferably smug quasi-cleverness.  You can also divide it into songs released as singles.  You get the same two groups either way.

Naturally, having served up three songs and seven half-formed piss-arounds, the band announced they were just being silly on their three singles, and vowed that their follow-up wouldn't have any track that would be commercially viable on its own merits.  Which kind of sums up this whole endeavour; a work of such detached posturing artifice that accidentally generating an emotional reaction in the listener is something to bitch about with disinterest.

Four tentacles (and three of them are for that song).

Sunday, 2 December 2012

SpaceSquid vs. The X-Men #43: Cold As Ice



Once again it's time for the old villain-to-hero switch.  Obviously, Frost is far from the first such example of this comic phenomena amongst the X-Men.  That said, if we dismiss those characters who were only briefly villains (or who only rarely showed up at all, like Marrow), there's really only two major examples: Rogue and Magneto.  Most of our discussion of Rogue centered around female characters in the medium, and the Magneto post mainly concerned itself with the nature of the character's back-story, so I think we're overdue a consideration of what a successful transition from supervillain to superhero actually entails.

So far as I can see, there are three goals that need to be reached if this kind of thing is to be pulled off successfully.  First of all, there needs to be a compelling reason for the change of alignment.  Secondly, there needs to be a plausible way for the X-Men to be able to forgive or at least overlook the past crimes of their new recruit.  And thirdly, there needs to be something about the character that makes the effort that goes into this kind of manoeuvre worthwhile.

Of those, the third is the easiest to deal with; if you can't do something interesting with a character who's switched sides, then you may as well not bother.  If, for instance, Emma Frost had been intended to simply be a snarky telepath with a ludicrous rack (even by Marvel standards), then there'd be no reason to not just create a character from scratch.  But the first two are at least as important.  Particularly the second.  If you can't come up with a good excuse for the new status quo (Rogue's sudden insistence she was terrified of her power and didn't want to murder people any more, for instance, came entirely out of the blue), then that can sink a few stories during the transition period.  Screw up the justification for forgiveness, however, and the whole enterprise is doomed.

Take Marrow, for instance.  At first her role on the X-roster made sense; the US mutant population was being decimated by Operation: Zero Tolerance, and the fact that the crisis made for uneasy bedfellows wasn't remotely difficult to understand.  With the (editor-mandated) return to the status quo following the cross-over, however, her place on the team was obviously ridiculous, since she showed no remorse whatsoever for the innocent civilians she had killed or tried to kill, and constantly seemed on the verge of a new bout of homicidal violence. Rogue at least quickly managed to prove her willingness to change, and Magneto's rehabilitation was (correctly) deemed so important as to require the entirety of UXM #200 to work through.

(We could also briefly consider Gambit, here, who got around this by not letting on as to what his past crimes were, and therefore gained all the advantages of being a former villain turned hero without any of the baggage, at least until UXM #350).

Magneto, in fact, is a useful comparison for Emma Frost, because they both joined the X-Men for similar reasons: the desire to mould the next generation of mutants.  This both ensured Emma past the first of the three tests, and represents one of her most fundamental character traits; her love of teaching.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

A Tale Of Cocktails #32

Daiquiri
.
Ingredients
.
2 oz white rum
3/4 oz lime juice
1/2 tsp sugar syrup
.
Taste: 8
Look: 6          
Cost: 9       
Name: 9
Prep: 6
Alcohol: 4
Overall: 7.3

Preparation: Shake all ingredients with ice. Strain and serve.
 .
General Comments: Making sugar syrup is almost as much of a pain as juicing limes. It's a good job that this is so clearly worth it, then. It's a bit plain looking, but if you're going to go with something plain, green is definitely the best choice. And it tastes absolutely wonderful, sweet and sour and, er, a third thing, that comes from the rum. Rummy, I guess.

Also, daiquiri is a great name. It's so commonly used that it might seem a bit boring, but just try saying it. "Daiquiri." Really put your back into it. "DAIQUIRI".

Point proven, I believe.