Sunday, 23 January 2011

The Horrible Truth Revealed

I was watching Hitchcock's The Birds the other day and I realised just how implausible that film is.

Not because it suggests that our avian cousins desire our downfall, obviously.  That shit is of a nature we can only describe as factual.  No, the mistake Hitchcock made was to assume the birds would ever be so indiscreet as to attack humanity in the open.

A far more likely scenario would involve these hollow-boned bastards working behind the scenes.  Perhaps they might secretly ally themselves with a major military power, egging them on to ever greater acts of carnage in the name of conquest; the power behind the throne/on the nest that orchestrates the deaths of thousands of humans without getting its beak bloodied.

That's why, after years of scholarly labour, and at the risk of outright banishment from the academic community, a few brave souls have uncovered the truth about the Nazi/bird alliance; finally explored in a new board game:

Coming soon: the first expansion pack, "Escape From Sugar-Tits", in which Mel Gibson is transported back to 1944 Poland, and attempts to tell the emaciated survivors of the Jewish Ghettos that the last five years have actually been entirely their fault.

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