The Spanish Main And Associated Health Risks

Scene: SpaceSquid is inspecting his new allergy medication.

SS: I like that this stuff has an active ingredient called "acrivastine".  Sounds like something a pirate would use.
Si: Acrivastine?
SS: AcriVAAAASTine!
Si: What would a pirate even be allergic to? They were some pretty tough cookies.
SS: Pieces of eight?
Si: Oh, the humanity!
J-Dawg: Forced to don latex gloves whilst fondling their booty.
Si: Unable to bite the coins to test their authenticity without risking death.
SS: "Yaah!  I be in anaphylactic shock!  'Tis gold true an' pure!"
J-Dawg: It's probably a bit too early for epi pens, too.
SS: Epi cutlasses?
J-Dawg: Ouch!
SS: "Yaargh!  My heart be pierced but me sinuses be clear!"
Sam: Surely parrots would be a more plausible culprit.
SS: Can you get hypoallergenic parrots?
Sam: In 18th century Tortuga?  Good luck.
Si: They'd have to come pre-plucked.
SS: Maybe that's what all the beards were about.  To hide their parrot's shame.
Si: And then it turns out the parrots are allergic to beard hair.
SS: Man, being a pirate was hard.