Wednesday, 10 June 2009

I Demand Action!

Ladies and gentlemen, a new enemy has reared its head. Like all the very worst enemies, this one comes cloaked in the guise of a friend.

I speak, of course, of Sainsbury's Stuffed Crust Cheese Feast Pizzas. These delightful discs of dairy-based deliciousness have been in tragically short supply lately. I have recently learned this was to allow for a new recipe to be finalised.

Now, I am not adverse to change per se, but this new so-called "stuffed crust" will not be tolerated. At best, the crust of this half-formed aberration could be considered almost full. Approaching capacity. Not much room inside.

This is not why I buy stuffed crust pizzas. When I tear such a treat into into irregular slices, I want to feel there is a very real chance that the crust is so stuffed, the simple act of breaching it's crisp walls will lead to a cheese explosion, which will send strands of hot cheese in all directions, burning and maiming those who have not built up a tolerance to scalding dairy produce, as I have. I want to spend each bite questioning the very laws of physics, convinced that they could not allow so much cheese to be contained within such a small space. I want my crust to be a motherfucking TARDIS.

Now, I'm not suggesting we boycott Sainsbury's, or track down those responsible for this horror and garrote them with cheese strings, but I do ask that the next time you drive past an outpost of the offending party, you shake your fists in rage. I think they'll get the message.

They fucking better do, anyway. Except for coffee and booze and sleep and being mean to people, cheese is all that gets me through the day.

3 comments:

Senior Spielbergo said...

We don’t have a Sainsbury’s over here so I am unlikely to be shaking my fist anytime soon. In fact the only access to stuffed crust type pizzas I have is via the avenue of Pizza Hut, and it is very rare that I get to partake in one of them.

Maybe you should therefore instead be grateful for your easy access to Cheese filled crusts (even if slightly diminished quality), and remember some of us don’t have such treats :¬(

As a side note that is kind of related, I randomly discovered an old Fanzine in the boot of my car when I was clearing out some kit last night… It confused me as it clearly wasn’t from my time in Durham so I’m not sure how I obtained it, or why it was in the boot of my car… But it did contain what was clearly a rival to your great *** Hates Column and was entitled **** Loves (names replaced by the use of * to preserve anonymity). Didn’t know it existed but I quite like the idea of two conflicting columns one of hate and one of love.

SpaceSquid said...

Stop whining; your parents could afford to have them flown in. On the back of pegasi.

I remember the **** Loves columns. Unsurprisingly, I found them insufficiently hateful.

Senior Spielbergo said...

I feel sad. I’ve now been bitch slapped and am still without cheesy crusty goodness :¬(