Monday, 9 November 2009

Comparative Contrastiness

Following Spielbergo's reminder to us all that Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams (more commonly known as "The shit Adams") share not only freakishly similar names but also the same birthday, I think it's important to list their many differences, so as to ensure that no-one confuses the two.

1. Ryan Adams is 35 and American. Bryan Adams is 50 and a talentless hack.

2. Ryan Adam's best songs are emotionally charged, lyrically inventive, and cover a bewildering array of styles. Bryan Adams best songs are "Summer of 69".

3. Even that one is a song about the fact that when he was young he might still have been talentless, but at least he could get some touch.

4. Ryan Adam's greatest hit united and revitalised the devastated inhabitants of a violated city. Bryan Adam's greatest hit forced the British public to spend three months watching Kevin Costner look greasy in a forest.

5. Ryan Adams is funny. Bryan Adams is so unfunny he singlehandedly prevents Canada from being the world's most humorous nation. The Kids In The Hall formed exclusively to combat the affect of Adams on Canadian unfunny emissions. If not for their tireless work ethic, Canada would even today be tied for funniness with Guam.

6. Ryan Adams is capable of putting himself into the mindset of a Depression-era farmer, a New York waitress, or a cancer-ridden suicide jumper, meaning he is not just a singer, but a storyteller. Bryan Adams is capable of putting himself into the mindset of a pair of knickers, meaning he is not just a tepid buffoon, but also a sex pest requiring electronic tagging.

7. Ryan Adams once named an album "29" to reference the songs' connections to his twenties and his fear of growing old. Bryan Adams once named an album "11", because he'd done 10 albums already.

8. Then he put 11 songs on it.

9. All of which were shit.

10. Well, probably. i-Tunes won't even sell it, and they sell Milli Vanilli.

11. Ryan Adams agreed to produce and co-write a Willie Nelson album to help a living legend regain his former mojo. Bryan Adams sang a duet with a Spice Girl to remind us that in the grand scheme of things, there are far worse musical crimes than "Wannabe".

12. Inevitably, the duet was shit.

Hopefully that should sort everything out for you.

(Hideously embarrassing counting error fixed.)


Pause said...

17. I have worked with Bryan Adams' cousin. I have not worked with Ryan Adams' cousin.

-3. Bryan Adams' albums show a growing fondness for ordinals. Ryan Adams' albums show a growing fondness for Cardinals.

e-1. Multiplicities of Adamses cause havoc with numbering systems.

SpaceSquid said...

"e-1. Multiplicities of Adamses cause havoc with numbering systems"

I heard that if the Adamses ever meet each other, the universe will explode. The reality that comes next will know this event as The Big Alt-Country/MOR Caterwaul.

Jamie said...

Hmm. I quite like Bryan's song with Mel C.

Apart from that, funny as it is, I'm not sure why liking someone's work means having to denigrate others'.

I agree about the knickers song though. That was a distinct low.

SpaceSquid said...

"I'm not sure why liking someone's work means having to denigrate others'."

That's not fair; I thought Bryan Adams was a talent-free scab long before I'd even heard of Ryan Adams.

Senior Spielbergo said...

Basically Squid is just a bit of a bully at heart. How about we compare awards? Bryan has:

American Music Awards - won 1, nominated 3 times
Grammy Awards - won 3, nominated 17 times
Juno Awards - won 18, nominated 54 times
MTV Music Awards - won 1, nominated 10 times
oh and 3 Oscar Nominations.

How does Ryan compare?

Plus Canadians are clearly better than americans... Just look at their health care system!

SpaceSquid said...

Yeah, I'm a real dick, bullying a multi-millionaire like that. Talk about kicking a man when he's up.

Senior Spielbergo said...

I think regardless of if he is up or down, kicking a man is still kicking a man.

SpaceSquid said...

He should have thought about that before he wrote Cloud Number Nine.

Chemie said...

I cannot name a single Ryan Adams song that I can gleefully sing-along or dance around to. These are imperative for my approval - and the longevity of just about any piece of music ever.

Learn some respect for the crowd pleasing ballad please. Let's see you write one.

SpaceSquid said...

Ah, the old "If you can't produce X, you can't criticise it" gambit. I didn't think that had survived secondary school.

Senior Spielbergo said...

Ah the old, ignore all the rest of the post and pick out a single sentance you an argue against routine. I thought we got past that in primary school...

Bottom line, I'm not a Ryan fan, largely because as Chremie says there isn't anything you can dance along to or that I enjoy. I don't like the whinny type music. You on the other hand don't like Bryan because you don't like his type of music. The difference, I say I prefer one to the other and that therefore one is better, you on the otherhand proceed to slag Bryan off and call him "shit".

By any objective measure both Ryan and Bryan are good musicians, both successful and well liked. So calling teither of them shit is unjustified. I would argue that as an objective measure, based on awards and records sold Bryan is currently on top. Do you have a similar objective yard stick that can be applied for your Ryan argument?

Chemie said...

Even the man you are championing in an unnecessary diatribe against someone who clearly has popular musical merit and a place within musical culture can't or won't write a crowd pleasing ballad. Says a lot about his talents/pretensions doesn't it?

And the 'if you can't do X, don't criticise' has its place outside of secondary school. The base of experience/knowledge is important in measuring a criticism.