Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Shake #27

Today's shake: Fruit Cocktail

Taste: 4
Texture: 1
Synergy: 4
Scorn: 2
Total Score: 4.25

General Comments: When exactly am I going to get any good at predicting the foulness of the drinks I still inexplicably volunteer to force down on a weekly basis? "How bad could it be?" I asked myself. "A bunch of fruity bits in an ice-cream? That's what ice-cream is there for."

I am a fool. Remember when I discovered adding pineapple to vanilla ice-cream does nothing but actually suck away the vanilla taste? The fruit cocktail is like that. The only thing I could taste was strawberry, and the only effect of chucking in a mess of other fruit was to make it taste of strawberry less. It was like eating the ghost of strawberry ice-cream ("Expect the first fruit-based beverage spirit when the clock strikes one!"), you know it's there but your senses can't quite get a grip on it.

It would be easy to believe there were no other types of fruit in the shake at all, and that "fruit cocktail" had somehow been translated into "less strawberries", except for the fact that every mouthful contained two dozen seeds of various declensions. This, in case anyone was wondering, is too many seeds. Swallowing them whole is unpleasant, crushing them in your teeth is unpleasant and time-consuming, and spitting each mouthful into the Wear is frowned upon by the public and liable to encourage evil seagulls (the only kind of seagulls, as any truly intelligent person is well aware). I ended up with so many seeds in my stomach that I am terrified the first 90% will nullify my digestive acids and the other 10% will take root. I could be a freaking Vervoid by the end of the month.

In summary: to be avoided by anyone not hoping to grow themselves a fruit garden or become a psychotic plant with a head like an exposed clitoris.

No comments: