Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Truly Horrifying

I promised I'd slap together a post on Return to House on Haunted Hill if it turned out to be any good.

It didn't. Obviously.

But the sheer brazenness of the film is worthy of comment (spoilers follow, though if you're worried about being spoiled for this thing you're even more messed up than I am). This is a film in which the male lead is introduced in the middle of a photo shoot devoted to hot, scantily-clad girls. A film in which the lead supporting character has been on screen for exactly three minutes before he gets to rip open the blouse of an implausibly-proportioned PhD student half his age. A film in which the female characters are bumped off in reverse order of attractiveness. A film in which they recreate that scene from The Shining with Jack Nicholson and a naked chick, only this time with two naked chicks and with Jack Nicholson swapped out for a hot lesbian. A film in which the standard post-credit twist requires a couple on the beach find a cursed statue, but they don't manage this until after the cute blonde has taken her bikini top off so her boyfriend can feel her up. She doesn't even bother to put it back on whilst they're digging their find out of the sand!

This immediately raises two vital questions: how can Zombie Strippers (still as-yet unsampled) possibly be worse than this, and how, title notwithstanding, can it possibly manage to feature as many norks?

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