Sunday, 1 November 2009

Emergency Shake Blogging (Shake #25)

It's taken me a few days to get around to writing this post. This is partially due to SpaceSquid's Sixth and Final Halloweenapalooza taking up so much of my time. Mainly, though, the delay represents the amount of time it has taken to process the assault upon my taste-buds, and the necessity of undergoing sufficient crisis counselling and neural restructuring to allow me to relate this shake experience without reliving it.

Today's shake: Marmite

Taste: 0
Texture: 4
Synergy: 0
Scorn: 10
Total Score: 1

General Comments: I swore I would never let it get this far. And it wouldn't have, except that several people in the department are bastards, who spread woe and misery through the halls like giant swine flu microbes with terrible hair. "Try this shake, Squid" they implore, their wide cow-eyes shining with feigned innocence. And I try it, because I am a people person who wishes to please his fellows, and also because I am a fat bastard who enjoys drinking milkshakes.

I seem to remember the cackles of malice commencing at roughly the same moment the first particles of Satan's own shake reached the back of my throat.

The best thing that can be said about this shake is that it doesn't taste of marmite. It tastes of sea-water. This, my friends, is a goddamned brine milkshake. Then, just after all the moisture in your mouth is sucked away, and you start wrestling with your gag reflex, then it starts tasting of marmite.

For the record, I can now state with absolute certainty that if I were stranded on a desert island with nothing to drink but jars of marmite, it would be saltwater shots right up until the merciful embrace of death.

Still, at least I don't have to actually buy this monstrosity now, which is a plus. Of course, in addition to everything else, it's ruined my carefully maintained category cycle system. I guess I'll just have to go out and have more chocolate and sweets. Maybe they'll help to erase the memory of what has been wrought upon me. Maybe...


Jamie said...

Marmite doesn't strike me as the ideal component for a milkshake. It is, however, filled with awesome in most other ways.

SpaceSquid said...

Rubbish. Marmite is scraped from the outflow pipes of Hell's sewage system, though only on the second Thursday of every month, the morning after the demon's have their traditional curry night. The punishment for enjoying marmite in this life is to collect it in the next.

Jamie said...

What can I say? Hell's sewage system makes a mean yeast extract. And if I got to eat a lot of marmite along the way, that doesn't sound like much of a punishment.

Do you realise how much this post made me crave marmite on toast this morning? Even after lunch I hear its siren call...

Talia said...

I thought I liked marmite. I thought I liked milkshake. I think the thought of those two combined may have just made my tastebuds leave my mouth in disgust...

*hugs* for the poor traumatised squid. And wenching too, if it'll make you feel better!

SpaceSquid said...

Thank you, Talia. Wenching always makes me feel better.