Because Old-School Wolverine Is Best

Welcome to Wolverine: Origins. Press any key to play.
>a
You are in your bedrooom. You are a sickly child. There is a bed. Victor is here.
Victor strokes your head.
>That's the worst start to a game I've ever seen.
I do not understand.
Your father enters.
>Mewl pathetically.
Your father finds this bafflingly charming.
You hear shouting to the south.
Your father leaves.
>Follow father.
You are in a hall.
Your father goes south.
You hear a gunshot to the south.
>S.
You go south.
You are in the entrance hall. Your father and your mother and Victor’s father are here. Victor’s father has shot your father.
>Try to help my father.
Your father dies.
>Bollocks.
I do not understand.
You grow kick-ass claws.
>Much better! Attack Victor’s father.
You mortally wound Victor’s father.
Victor's father tells you he was your father too.
>Run away.
You run away.
Victor catches you.
Victor is now your companion.
You hear people chasing you.
>S.
You go south.
You are in the American Civil War. A Whole Bunch Of People are here.
>What?
I do not understand.
>You don’t understand?
I do not understand.
>Fine. Kill A Whole Bunch Of People.
You kill A Whole Bunch Of People.
You are in World War I. A Whole Bunch Of People are here.
>WHAT?
I do not understand.
>FFS. Kill A Whole Bunch Of People.
You kill A Whole Bunch Of People.
You are attacking the beaches in Normandy. A Whole Bunch Of People are here.
>Kill A Whole Bunch Of People.
You kill A Whole Bunch Of People.
You are in Vietnam. A Whole Bunch Of People are here.
>Kill a A Whole Bunch Of People.
Whilst you kill A Whole Bunch Of People, Victor attacks a woman.
>Try and calm him down.
You are too far away.
>Run towards him.
You run towards him. You are surrounded by your own men and shot. You are dead.
>Shit.
You are alive again.
>Cool!
You are in a jail cell. Victor is here.
Major Stryker enters.
Major Stryker asks you to join his sinister secret military force.
>Join sinister secret military force.
You join sinister secret military force.
You are in a plane. Wade Wilson and Other People are here.
Wade Wilson and Other People are now your companions.
Wade Wilson is awesome. A game about him would be much better.
>Play that game.
You can’t play that game.
You are in the wilderness. To the north is the building you must storm.
>N.
You go north.
All your companions demonstrate their powers.
The building has been stormed.
>Already?
Wade Wilson is awesome.
You are in a clearing. Wade Wilson and Other People are here.
You become sickened by violence.
>Seriously? I killed a whole bunch of people, like, four times already.
This is worse. You are horrified to your very soul.
>You mean I'm a pussy now?
I do not understand.
Victor and Wade Wilson and Other People are no longer your companions.
>N.
You go north. You are in a log cabin in Canada. Silver Fox is here.
>Wait. Canada? W T F?
You go west.
>I didn’t want to go west!
You are in a clearing. An axe and some wood are here.
>Pick up axe.
You pick up the axe.
>Chop some wood.
You chop some wood.
>What did that accomplish?
Character development.
Major Stryker enters.
Major Stryker asks you to rejoin his sinister secret military force.
>E.
You go east.
Night falls.
You are in a log cabin. Silver Fox is with you.
>Get busy with Silver Fox.
You can’t do that. Silver Fox is telling a sad story.
>A sad story? My body count is in the quadruple digits. I want to get busy.
You can’t do that. Silver Fox’s story has filled you with a profound and overwhelming melancholy.
>To hell with this. Attempt to take own life with claws.
You can’t do that.
Day breaks.
>Sigh. W.
You go west.
You are in a clearing. An axe and some wood are here.
>Can I see Bill Murray?
I do not understand.
>Pick up axe.
You pick up the axe.
>Chop some wood.
You chop some wood.
>Allow axe to sever major artery.
You can’t do that.
You hear screaming to the east.
>E
You go east. Victor and Silver Fox are here.
Victor kills Silver Fox.
>Fine.
You swear vengeance.
>Nope. It’s fine. Her stories were crap. Plus, I’m really getting into this lumberjack thing. I’d like to give it a proper go. Make a career out of it.
I do not understand.
>Course not. Er... get drunk.
There is no bar here.
>N.
You go north.
You are in a clearing. To the north there is a bar.
>Awesome.
Victor is here.
>Oh, of course he is.
Victor attacks you.
>Attack Victor.
Victor cleaves your skull. You are dead.
>Thank God.
You are alive again.
>I hate you.
I do not understand.
Major Stryker enters.
Major Stryker asks you to rejoin his sinister secret military force.
>Attempt to make a living through intricate embroidery and interpretive dance.
I do not understand.
>Rejoin sinister secret military force.
You rejoin sinister secret military force.
You are in a tank of water. Major Stryker and Helpless Scientists are here.
>Get out of tank.
You can’t do that.
Adamantium is bonded to your bones.
>Get out of tank.
You can’t do that.
The shock of the procedure kills you. You are dead.
>Oh, the humanity! If only I could have one more minute in this vale of tears.
You are alive again.
>Ta da!
Major Stryker tries to wipe your memory.
>Get out of tank.
You get out of tank.
>Why couldn’t I do that before?
You are in a sinister secret laboratory. Major Stryker and Agent Zero and Helpless Scientists are here.
>N.
You can’t go north.
>E.
You can’t go east.
Agent Zero is shooting at you.
>Kill Agent Zero
You can’t do that. You’re the hero.
>Whatever. W.
You can’t go west.
>In the real world people can see doors.
I do not understand.
Agent Zero shoots you in the head.
>Seriously, just kill the bastard.
Your in-built sense of honour will not let you.
>I've already killed my own father. Who, now I think about it, didn’t look anything like me. Unlike my fake father, who now I think about it was actually my exact double.
There isn’t time for this.
>S.
You go south. You are at a waterfall.
>Jump in.
You jump in.
>Just so you know, once I get out of this I am so taking a desk job.
I do not understand.
You are in a barn. An Old Couple is here. A bitching motorbike is here.
>Engage in comedy hijacks and unconvincing bonding.
This fills several minutes to good purpose.
>Steal bitching bike.
You don't want to upset the Old Couple.
The Old Couple are shot!
>Steal bitching bike.
You steal the bitching bike.
>N.
You go north. Agent Zero is here. He mentions an island for some reason.
>Kill Agent Zero.
You kill Agent Zero.
>Oh, now I can kill him.
I do not understand.
>Never heard of a sandbox, huh? Go to Island.
You can’t go to the island without Gambit.
>Bollocks to this. Quit game.
Wolverine never quits.
>I do. No Gambit. Gambit is crossing the line. Quit game.
Wolverine never quits.
>Ah, shit. Fine. Find Gambit.
You are in a New Orleans bar. Gambit is here.
>Talk to Gambit.
Gambit attacks you.
>Great! An excuse! Kill Gambit.
You can’t do that.
>Fuck off.
I do not know how to fuck off.
>No-one here has any trouble believing that.
Gambit uses his staff to become a helicopter.
>Oh, God; this is painful. Break staff.
You break Gambit’s staff.
Gambit uses his broken staff to climb walls.
>Seriously, Mr Text Adventure Game? Why you gotta make me hurt you?
Gambit agrees to help you.
>That was quick. And pointless.
I do not understand.
You are in Gambit’s plane. Below you there is an island.
>Jump out of plane.
You land on the island. The experience is exceptionally painful.
>I'm not even going to bother.
I do not understand.
You are on an island. To the south there is a sinister secret military facility.
>S.
You go south.
You are in a sinister secret military facility. Major Stryker and Silver Fox are here.
>Does anyone ever stay dead in this game?
She was faking. It reminds you of her story, You are once again filled with a profound and overwhelming melancholy.
>You are so right.
I do not understand.
>N.
You go north.
You are on an island. To the south there is a sinister secret military facility.
To the south you hear screaming.
>S.
You go south.
You are in a sinister secret military facility. Major Stryker and Silver Fox and Victor are here.
Victor attacks Silver Fox.
>Attack Victor.
You knock Victor out. Silver Fox runs away.
>Follow Silver Fox.
You follow Silver Fox.
You are in a jail complex. There are many Mutant Prisoners here.
>Free Mutant Prisoners.
You free Mutant Prisoners.
Mutant Prisoners are now your companions.
Deadpool enters.
>Kill Deadpool.
Deadpool is faster than you.
>Let the Mutant Prisoners deal with him.
The Mutant Prisoners have run away.
The Mutant Prisoners are no longer your companions.
>Everyone here is useless.
I do not understand.
Victor enters.
Victor attacks Deadpool.
>About time. Kill Deadpool.
You kill Deadpool.
>Kill Victor.
Victor runs away.
>That was fast. Not that I’m complaining.
I do not understand.
Major Stryker enters.
>That’s convenient. Kill Major Stryker.
Major Stryker shoots you in the head. You lose all your memories.
>Man, you have no idea how much I wish that were true.
You have completed the training mission. Now play the game.
You are in your bedrooom. You are a sickly child. There is a bed. Victor is here.
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!