New Rules

J-Dog: Success! I have put together my six-month work plan, and it only has one thing on it.
SpaceSquid: Is it something particularly tough?
J-Dog: Nope. Prevarication awaits! I shall become a gentleman of leisure. I may or may not learn to smoke a pipe.
Bighead: Unless the overlords find out, then they'll throw every spare lecture they have at you.
J-Dog: Shudder.
SS: I thought you wanted to talk more shit at more twats?
J-Dog: That's Black-Lung. I want to keep the twats away at all costs.
SS: You could build a castle for yourself and fill the moat with crocodiles.
J-Dog: We could cast the twats into the moat from the tallest towers. Those that successfully escape will be judged worthy.
SS: Then we'll burn them as witches.
J-Dog: Of course. No mere human could negotiate the moat of crocodiles.
SS: And then those that survive the bonfires as well shall be given jobs in the stats department. If you can make it through a crocodile attack and prove to be made of asbestos, you must be worth hiring.
J-Dog: Surely if they're made out of asbestos the crocodiles won't eat them anyway.
SS: Good point.
J-Dog: We've rendered the crocodiles redundant. That's no good. After all the money we've shelled out for them.
SS: They could serve in an advisory capacity.
J-Dog: I'd really rather they were eating someone. How about we replace the burnings with something else?
Bighead: Get them to dress up as puffins and then punch them in the face?
J-Dog: What?
SS: Different dialogue. It's a long story. How about we get them to bring a puffin, as some kind of quest?
J-Dog: It would make for an interesting invitation to interview. "Meet us at midnight on the Sabbath near Castle J-Dog. Bring a puffin."
Bighead: "Do NOT wear crocodile skin".
SS: It would certainly sidestep the need for all this A* at A-level bollocks. And the Russians in the department would finally stop whining that our intake aren't as well-taught as those in Moscow.
Bighead: No, they'd start whining that they weren't as effective at fighting flesh-eating lizards.
J-Dog: "Crocodiles twice as vicious under Communism."
SS: That's just because they're trying to keep warm. Moscow State University really isn't the best of places for reptiles.
J-Dog: Or parasitic academics.
Bighead: That's why they end up over here. Time to get rid of them, I say. Any suggestions?
SS: I have this idea involving cobras...